What next?

One of D's friends showed up uninvited, unannounced to our house tonight. We happened to be coming home, there was a band concert and I wanted to make a nice dinner. The experience was overall quite unpleasant.

Just a short list of the things his drunk friend had to tell me.

That I am a controlling bitch. That everyone, all of Darren's friends, know this. That I don't care about his happiness. That he is a wonderful father and I poison his children against him. That I am stupid and fat. Something like a donut, or donut hole. I'm not sure. That he wants to leave me but I won't let him. That he doesn't leave because he doesn't want to leave his kids. That Darren doesn't love me. That he, being Steve, doesn't cheat on his wife because he loves her, and that D cheats on me because he doesn't love me. That I am a terrible person who is ruining Darren. He also cried because he loves Darren so much. That someone had to stand up to me because he didn't. That someone had to come tell me what a terrible bitch I am. That I changed Darren's number so no one could call him. That I won't let people see him or talk to him. That he's always thought I was a stupid controlling bitch.

At one point I had to tell him to get out of my face, that he stunk, and that he was drunk and disgusting.

I asked him to leave. That he was not welcome.

I cannot believe that he came to our home, where our children are to do this?

What next? What else is going to happen?

Is there NO ending to this?

What have I gotten myself into?

Sleepless

I have always fancied myself a champion sleeper.

Cat nap after babies, in the car. Loud banging, lawn mowing, shrieks of the kids. No problem. Olympic quality sleeper.

It blows my mind that this is what shatters that illusion.

I can't turn it off and it's torture. All day, all night, in my dreams.

Dreaming about my husband cheating on me with my best friends. Neighbors..everyone.

It really doesn't matter who it is it all smarts the same.

I am dying for just a break. Some silence. To not wonder. Is what I imagine worse or better?

I feel so desperately the need to have a answer. A plan. A solution. It's just not there. It's not that easy. There is no straight forward. Where do we begin?

We have spent our whole adult lives together. There is no one who knows me as well as he does. There is no one I have loved they way I have loved him. There is so much past and future everywhere I look and cannot begin to imagine it all as separate.

I don't remember out last kiss. I didn't even consider this could be it. The last time I fell asleep snuggled in his arms, content. Who logs those things, who thinks, tonite it's it. The last one.

It's an awfully big hole.

I go from broken hearted, sad beyond words to pissed off in the course of 15 minuets. What a crappy roller coaster ride. I wish it would stop. I would very much like to get off. I think from now on I'll ride those little trains that slowly tour the park. No fast starts, abrupt stops, huge falls.

A day to remember

My husband has decided to not come home again tonite. It shouldn't come as a surprise on the heals of what has been happening the last 24 hours. I discovered that he's been cheating on me with a girl from work, who happens to have herpes. Awesome. He also swears that he didn't sleep with her but I feel like it doesn't matter much. I shouldn't care, but I do wonder if he's with her now. Even if he is what difference would it really make?

He said he didn't want to move out, that he wanted to go to our counseling appointment on Thursday to see what we could do. It's been a hard day. I am so surprised by how much all this hurts. It's alot to lose in one fail swoop. I know alot of this has been coming but stopping to look at what's going to change makes it all very real.

We talked like 6 times a day. For good reasons for bad reasons. That's alot of talk to no longer talk. I didn't realize how much we talked until I saw something and thought oh darren...then OH darren.

Laying in bed makes me want to cry. I was cuddling Beck to sleep and thought about all that has happened in that bed. We laughed and fought there. We brought babies home from the hospital and nursed them there. We made vacation plans, dreamed, slept, planned our futures there. We made babies there. I climbed into his arms there when the days were bas, he'd hold me and kiss me on the top of my forehead and that somehow would make it better.
Losing that hurts. It's been such a surprising slide down and I wish we could have stopped it. Changed it.

This sucks. It's a blinding pain that rips through you. It tugs and pulls. Makes it hard to breath. Losing all of this. It really hurts to be betrayed. To be cheated on. It makes it feel like married didn't mean anything. It's not been easy but I believed it was always worth while. There are so many tears. I wonder where they all come from. It hurts so much.

I feel stupid for trying to hang on this past year, for continuing to believe and want this. How did I get so duped. Oh hard and fast I held onto this idea that we could do this. We could make it out to the other side and we would both be better. The kids would be better.
I thought alot these past weeks, all the while he messing around. Texting messages about kissing and fantasies while the children sleep in our bed next to him.
I thought and tried and reflected and HOPED. It's the hope that hurts right now. All of the hope and openness and effort. Being open and vulnerable only to be betrayed. Man alive that hurts wicked bad. I mean really. I am so scared of what the future holds. I don't, truth be told want to go there. I want to go back. Two years. Four years. Fourteen years to when we met. To when it was so easy to just love. No expectation. No disappointments. But I know there is nothing in the past.
There is only tomorrow. Softball game. Work. Tears, heartache.

M #5-6-7. To infinity and beyond...

I hope not really. I don't want to feel like my life is a series of miserable experiances. Numbering into the thousands by the time I die. I want to feel like, wow my life is awesome.

I have realized that there are some things, once learned can't be forgotton or ignored.

Maybe it's best to just not know.

M#4

A new milestone for me, my 4th alanon meeting, I no longer had to raise my hand and be like yes this is my less than 3rd meeting.

Please everyone look at me.

It's such an awkward place to be.

Darren has been giving me crap about going to these meetings so I said hey come why don't you. I I was surprised when he came. I also sorta felt like he was crowding in on my personal space. But in the end I am certain last night was way more awkward for him than me.

I have come to realize a few things and I love it. Darren's parents have been a brick wall. I understand that he is their son and they love him. I guess I have felt so desperate for help, support. I have so wanted him to get help and be well and I though his parents could help him, us. But I have realized they don't have to understand, it's not my problem and I don't have to convince anyone there is a problem. Not his parents. Not him. No one.

It's nice being able to focus on me and the kids the past two weeks. I have felt so overwhelmed that even the easiest decisions had been hard to make. One or two gallons of milk? Do we NEED more apples? But I guess that's part of it, the overwhelmed, not being able to DO anything. With the help of some very dear friends I have been doing things and it feels good.

I went to the red dress party and ran around Portland in my underwear. CRAZY fun the involved a huge headache and two blisters (on my toes). We have started a redo on our living room so as of right now it's concrete and empty but I am hoping for some new floors, cabinets and couch. We also cleaned and reorganized the living room making it just more livable.

That's kinda my thing right now. Just making it more livable. Weather or not I like it or want it, this is my life right now. It's not what I have planned or dreamed of. It's often not what I want or fantasize about. It's much harder and hurtful than I could of ever imagined. It is full of challenges that I never thought I would have to face, but here I am. So I guess I'll just try to make it more livable.

Happy things, too many to count.

Miserable things #1,2 and 3

#1

So I went to my first ever Al-Anon meeting last week. Despite my best effort to miss it, the wrong place at the wrong time, I hung out the hour early I was and went.

Miserable.

Heart pounding nervous and awkward.

No idea of the etiquette or flow.

No idea really of what they were talking about.

Lord have mercy powdered coffee AND creamer. Thank god and Roms I had a big gulp.

Cliche serenity prayer and when you say hello EVERYONE says hello (insert name here).

Makes disappearing into the ground much harder when everyone says your name. So they make you fess up that this is the first meeting, ever and EVERYONE says welcome. Not so invisible. They make you read aloud which proved to be a challenge cause as it turns out I have a million tears just dying to spill over and well, no matter how hard you bite your lip, blink and swear, you just can't stop that sort of flood so to add insult to injury I just sat there and cried. And cried and cried and cried.

I hate to cry. I have even more crying in front of complete strangers.

Everything made me cry. Everything everyone said. I wanted to hide in the toilet and sob but that just seemed too dramatic so I sat there, my jacket zipped up to my ears and tried to be a turtle who simply had allergies. A leaky eyed boogery turtle who just could not get it together enough to quit crying. I don't even know why.

I have some ideas. Maybe relief. Maybe hope that this will not go on forever. Maybe because I had finally done Something.

They read of out this book and then talked about what they read, in relation to their own experience.

They called them, "My alcoholic."

They said, "My Program."

They talked about "Working the Steps."

They mentioned "My sponsor."

They talked about "Higher Power." (I'm not talking about trading in the Double A's For the Double D's Either)

How did I end up here? Not in the distasteful I'm better than this how did I end up here, but HOW THE FUCK is this MY life?

I have a my alcoholic. I am apparently going to have a program? I have to do steps which I admit I don't understand much less know how to work. A sponsor? As in someone to send me their spare change so I don't starve? A program that so far does not have instructions. I must admit I don't understand very much of what is going on yet. It's only been and 1 hour, 45 Min's, so I will have to be patient and wait to see and hopefully I'll begin to understand some of what they are saying.

Don't get me wrong. Everyone was nice. And even though I don't think I want to I will go back. They said if nothing else just keep coming back. So for now back I shall go.

#2

Oh the never ending joy this adventure had brought me. So I called Anna's school counselor too. I needed to talk to someone who knows more than me and though there are an infinite number of those around she seemed like a good start. I wanted to know if she knew of any Ala-teen meetings and to get her thoughts on the situation.

It's so much fun to tell people:

No were not nice normal people like you thought.

Yes, we're really messed up and broken.

Please look at me like we're bad and incompetent.

Yes, I too though we were better than this but no, we have really really screwed up our lives and by proxy our children.

Oh I agree it's creepy and disturbing and somehow dirty.

Please nod at me and smile like I'm unstable and may demonstrate how crazy I am at any minute.

Look at me with pity as I married an alcoholic and didn't even know it.

Yes, it was all a facade, we are not descent people.

I know not reliable at all.

I am very ashamed that this is where I am.

Look at Anna a feel sorry for her, look at her differently now that you know she doesn't come from a "good" home.

Now she didn't say a word that in anyway indicated she thought any of this. But It's how it feels. You kinda want to be a certain way and then all at once you're not AND you have to share that with other people. It sucks.

HELLO WORLD I'M A FAILURE.

Yeah look at me school teacher, the epitome of good and nice and kind I'm a royal screw up and my kids are getting hosed in the deal! Oh how wonderful it is to share.

But it's done. It's done with the hope that now there are more kind, loving and supportive eyes on my kids to help me catch them when they stumble, to love and encourage them so they can find the resilience to float even when the world weighs them down. I guess a good dose of humility does the character good.

#3.

The list goes on.

good grief.

meeting #2.

Yeah some new sucker who's now the newbie! Twisted I know.

Less anxiety producing as I knew what to expect. I still don't think I understand much of what they were saying and I managed to speak. No uncontrolled blubbering until after the meeting. It's so fragile, like mascara that's not water proof in the rain. It just runs at the slightest provocation.

I don't wear mascara either.

The book was different but the reading was the same. I just tried to listen. To really really listen. Your not supposed to say anything or make comments of what the other people say. That takes the pressure off. But it's hard to really just listen and not form replies or ask questions. Especially for me. I am very demanding of details and full of thoughts. Well here neither are allowed so I just have to hear what they say, say thanks and move onto the next person. So I am learning a new skill. We'll see how it turns out.

You don't have to talk and last week I didn't. Maybe 10 words the whole time. Shocking I know. So this week I decided what the hell. I'm here. My life's wreck and they say this can help so I am going to do it. I found it hard to talk. I don't know what to say. I can't say much without the damn leaky eyes so I just try. It's nice to know it's good enough. That today I did at least one thing that was good enough just the way it was.

I know that last line was very mopey. But it's late and I'm tired and feeling a little sorry for myself so mopey it will be.

I don't get this higher power stuff so I'll just have to let it sit for a while.

I like the catch phrase, there are a ton, but the one I like they call them the three C's.

I don't cause the drinking. I can't control the drinking and I can't cure the drinking.

So simple.

It's not my problem. I don't have to convince anyone there is a problem. I don't have to find a solution to the problem. It's not my problem to solve.

I had the greatest epiphany this week. I had been feeling so trapped and stuck in this situation, bound by money and the tangles of marriage. It had to do with my wanting, I think, Darren to leave and his refusal. I think he refuses because he thinks he will lose his "rights" to the house if he does. I can't leave as the mortgage is in my name. Essentially trapping me here but worse with him.

Then it was said to me, Just sell it. Those three words were like magic. I can sell it. It's just a house. Simple. Home will come with me wherever I go with the kids. Home is inside us and the house is just a place. It would be less than ideal to move them, but I am not stuck here.

It feels so liberating to know I can get out. Any ole time I want. I don't know when it will be or if that is what will happen but I KNOW I CAN and for right now that is enough. I am not, will not and cannot be held against my will.

Awesome.