Don't throw coconuts in the house...

I will admit today I was lazy. I needed sleep. For Pete's sake I am tired. Darren wakes me up once he gets home and asks me to make dip for his potluck, I am feeling generous. As we're harassing the kids to eat dinner he says Katie, don't throw coconuts in the house, that almost hit me in the head. I am continuously surprised by conversations we have with the kids. 

Nursery...

So my mother who protests that she is too busy has finished the baby's bedding and curtains. It took my breath away. I LOVE it. It was so amazing that she took a pile of fabric and made it what it is. She denied her ability to make a quit, but she did it and it is awesome. I am so excited to have the room put together! I'll post pics once it's all done. But, for those faint of heart beware it is BRIGHT!

Pumpkin Patch!

Katie, Ella, Ruby (who makes me gaga!)Riss and anna. So Cute!
Crazy, fearless...when will we end up in the ER again I wonder?


Love the pumpkin patch. Love the crisp overpriced apples , then endless supply of places to spend money. Gourmet Pumpkins, Kettle Corn, Donuts slides and $6 pony rides. In all honesty I do love the cool crisp and sometimes muddy days where we slog all over Canby and back in search of the great pumpkin. This year we hooked up with the fam and friends at Fir Point Farms, Holly flower Farm and the "Enchanted Trail" in the OC. (Which in the end was really cool for the kidlets.) We really had a wonderful day. 

Visit to Our Majestic State Capital....

Anna with our friends son, who LOVED her. But who wouldn't?

Wild child on the rocking horse in the park. She has so much energy!

Messy finger mom. I'm not sure who made a bigger mess, mom or baby!

What a classic spaghetti picture. Such a cute sweet baby!

A three hour tour....

I tricked and mislead my dear friend. I lured her into an evening of dinner and shopping. I did mention we would be fabric shopping, I just don't think she knew exactly what that meant. Last time I made Darren go fabric shopping, he only survived an hour. This trip took us nearly three. There was in fact over an acre of fabric to browse. Hundreds and hundreds of bolts of fabric...patterns, colors, textures! Endless possibilities. However I am thrilled to say the perfect gender natural fabric for the nursery has been selected! I think Teta was most ecstatic to be done. I would like to give a a shout out to my friend who served as my life line, color consultant and voice of reason. 

Then we went for a lousy dinner. The Mexican restraint next to the fabric depot, not so good. Avoid it. 

I can't wait to see how it all turns out!  Darren's painting the room top green on the color card. So from left to right, The dots and stripes will be the dust ruffle, the solid green and blue dots make the curtains and valence, the orange fabric will be the sheets, the black dots and diamonds will be used with the leftovers from the other fabric to make a quilt. Fear not I will not be ruining this beautiful fabric by trying to sew it myself. I have someone to make it for me. My mother. She doesn't know yet! 

s

Darren says he likes it, but I also threatened him with death if he mocked it so who knows what he thinks. His mother asked why were bothering to do up a room as none of our children have ever slept in their rooms, so why the bother? Everyone seemed to find that amusing. Except me. Perhaps the baby won't sleep in it's room, but that will just keep the bedding cleaner for longer eh?

Sad

I was intending to blog about being sad but I just ate the most yummy pizza and was looking at my favorite make me want to pee my pants website and I don't feel so sad right now. It's failblog.org by the way and it is hysterical and shocking all at the same time.  

I am sad that it is 5 am and I can't sleep. I have been waking up god awful early for weeks now. Thanks baby.

So I had the anatomy survey today and all went well with that. Other than the fantastic on-going conflict with my husband and we didn't speak a word to each other. And the placenta wasn't well seen so it's not certain that a piece doesn't cover the cervix, but I have faith that it will grow up up and away. And he wasn't sure that the baby doesn't have a club foot. He doesn't think it does but he's not sure. He being Fred, he was so funny and the kids loved him. Me too. I think he's a pretty good guy. No luck on seeing the baby's parts so we know it's either a girl or a boy. AWESOME. 

I guess now that I've been concentrating I can get on with sad. 

I'm sad that things have been they way they are and that I have no idea of what is going on with me and Darren. I am profoundly sad that I don't trust him. It is such a basic thing. It amazes me how much it undermines our relationship in so many areas. It makes me sad that he doesn't seem to care that I don't trust him. I mean that in he doesn't stop doing the deceitful things. So in my mind I think if you care about how I feel and I feel like crap when you lie, deceive and hide things from me and it makes you not trust me, then you should stop. 

Help me! Is that the wrong way to think? It is an unfair expectation?

I'm sad that I can't have what I want. I love love love my girls more than I ever thought possible and have tried to keep finding ways to be a good mom and give them the best possible chance at being great. Darren and I have never had a great marriage. It has always been a ton of work to just keep going. But in my mind if we separate the consequences seem to great. Part of me believes that I would be happier not feeling so angry and frustrated all the time, but I know it's not just about me. But the  girls and him too. So pragmatically the financial impact would be great. No more long vacations, no more buying sprees at the book fair. Not just the fun stuff either. It would become a struggle to meet all the basic expenses on just one income. We don't have a fancy life but right now it is comfortable and there is a certain security in that. Plus I would have huge daycare expenses with a new baby and not very much maternity leave and it would be hard as hell to do a new baby and the girls and work full time. NOT great right? And I would not be able to bear the unknown of what sort of girl Darren would bring into their lives. That makes me want to BARF!!!! Or set fire to him. But I am going back to sad, cause angry tends to be too easy.

I also think about how hard it is for kids to go through a divorce.  School performance, behavior changes, missing their dad at night before bed. It kills me. I more than anything want to be able to give this to the girls. More than anything else, I want them to feel safe. I know that they are not oblivious to our discord, but we do try to not fight in front of the kids and not be to terrible to terrible to one another in their presence. My mom always wonders what I get so upset about. He doesn't hit me, he doesn't hit the kids he goes to work. She says love and all that other "stuff" is just American fairy tales. And it's too late now, he's already their father and you can't change it or take it away. "It not so bad" she always says. I guess in part it's true. 

I just hate hate hate the idea of ending up one of the numbers of couples that don't make it. I HATE it. I don't want it. 

I don't know what to do. Every six months or so things seem to explode and it sucks so bad. It breaks my heart it shatters my hope it makes me miserable. It makes me wish my dad was here so I could climb into his lap and just feel loved. 

That makes me sad, I don't often feel loved by my husband. 

I'm sad really really sad right now. 

I'm sad because  totally got lured into another baby because I like then a lot and felt like we had the greatest kids ever, one more would be so amazing. And when I got pregnant he wasn't nearly as thrilled as I. I know he worries. The last two girls their pregnancies were anything but great. He really at first did not want Anna and moved out because I did. He fell in love with her and adores her now but it was so tough. Katie was a failed IUD and even I didn't want another baby, but what to do. She changed our whole lives in the best way possible. but he moved out then too. Alcohol has not been his friend. That was such a rough time. It was so much work. But it turned out OK, not just OK but sometimes it was great. Great enough to have another baby. 

Am I just deceiving myself when thing seem OK? I think it must be pretty easy to deceive me cause I want it to be true so so badly. 

This time I asked him please this is our last kid, I want it to be great. I want to be excited and decorate a nursery and shop for baby things. I want you to be happy and have fun with me with this. I want you not to be nasty to me and call the baby names like the dumb baby or the baby that ruined my life. I want you to not tell me about how much you think this is going to suck. I know these are normal guy feeling but I just want to pretend that you area one of those guys who's happy about his family and his life and loves his wife. Please don't ruin it you know. This is important to me.  

The other night we were laying in bed and I told him right now I am really really happy and I love you a lot. I told him how that is hard for me feel cause it's so vulnerable. I hate having my heart broke. I hate feeling so sad. I told him he has no idea of what it's like to have your world turned upside down in a moment and the trepidation you feel for the rest of your life because of it. That it is so hard to love whole heartedly knowing what it feels like to lose it in a single moment. It leaves a mark. It's hard to feel so exposed and that's how I'm feel when I just love you and enjoy you. So I asked him to please not do anything stupid now because it was going so well. That I had so many hopes, that I was having so much fun with just being happy. Please.

I hate that I hope so much for us. I hate I hope so much for this family. My husband has such little regard for me and it hurts that I wish it was different. It sucks that we got married cause I clearly am not the girl for him. There is so much about me he doesn't like. I get too happy and excited about things. I get mad and angry and disappointed. I often don't care what other people think about me and don't do well faking nice. He thinks I'm emotionally defective. When ever I get mad at him I'm automatically called crazy and everything I feel or think is dismissed because of the "crazy". Now I feel like he ridicules me, mocks me, dismisses me. Everything I think or want is wrong unreasonable rediculous or somehow controlling. But in the end it comes down to one simple thing. He just doesn't think very much of me. To just completely and regularly and systematically dismiss me over and over and over tells me that he just doesn't think I'm worth it. I have no value or influence. I am just a nagging crazy controlling bitch to him. That really sucks.  

It used to be fun. It used to be calm and quite with him. He used to so nice to me, just simple and easy. 

 Sad. It makes me really really sad.

Friends

Thank you. 

Butt...

So anonymous you clearly have your head in the gutter which makes me think it is YOU Darren my perverted husband. NO Morris code. Make no mistake it is not an invitation. As a matter of fact I am quite angry with you.

I am not speaking to Darren right now as he is an ass hat.
(Yes Darren you are an ass hat and I hid your book.)

It never turns out well for him when I get to go home from work early unannounced. I find that he likes to leave the children unattended to go, lets say drink. It's awesome knowing that your children are safe and well supervised in your absence.
I could see how unreasonable it is to be angry when it's discovered. I'll have to work on being more reasonable.
Perhaps once the house burns to ground turning our children into charred remains I'll be able to master reason and have a better understanding of what is and is not OK to do, after all lots of people leave their children at home alone to go drink. We in mainstream society call them alcoholics, Darren calls it normal.
I guess I'll just have to keep being a bitch. A mean nasty nagging bitch.

Quick technical question,
Does a dry suit need to be intact to function? Air hoses still work with small punctures right? If I use a needle to punch tiny holes in the seals it won't do any damage right? Let me know asap as i think I might "surprise" Darren with a special weekend away, a diving trip to rejuvenate him and need to know.

Morse Code

So super cool, I've learned Morse code.
At first I though someone was knocking in my belly, like dude is anyone out there? Then once I started paying attention I realized it wasn't knock once for no or twice for yes. I tried several different means of communication then I realized after watching that movie where Steven Segal uses Morse code that that was what the baby was doing.
The baby talks to me in Morse code. Instead of talking to me about how the hostage situation on the plane is, it tells me what it wants to eat. Panna Cotta, Yaki Soba Noodles, Tiramisu, pizza, gargonzola chicken, Panna cotta. I this baby never asks for Vegies and frankly protests when forced to eat them. Stops talking to me actually.

I let the girls at work look and see what the baby is, so they think they know but I don't. This has turned out to be the worst kind of torture. I may have to hit them.

26 glorius years....

Had one of the not most fun birthdays of my life. Not the worst but still pretty suckie. I hate being sick and sick I am. Boogery and snotty and coughing and hacking and congested and grumpy. Mostly grumpy cause my husband brought home one of my favorite meals and I could barely taste it thanks to my stuffy nose. And my dear dear friend brought me my favorite cake that I could barely taste. Then I felt barfy BUT I refuse to puke up my birthday dinner. Not that I haven't done that before...19, 20, 21st. 

My sweetie peetie Katie gave me a variety of used stuffed animals and a wonderful birthday card. She needed the animals back so she could go to sleep but it was sweet anyways. 

Kia called and said she wanted to move back in and happy birthday too. Well that will have to be it's very own blog.

I also was wondering the implications of being 26 for so many years in a row. Well I have to worry about that next year I guess. 

Being pregnant on your birthday sorta puts a cramp in the plan for binge drinking as well. Not to mention all the damn kids we already have. 

BUT worst of all is I have called in sick to work twice, which I so very very much hate to do. I especially hate having to waste my vacation time on something as lame as sitting at home being sick. SUPER SUCKO! I had to fan the candles on my cake and not blow them out lest I contaminate the whole thing. 

I think however my birthday wish has already been granted.. I have great friends and a wonderful family and soon I will be healthy again!