Miserable things #1,2 and 3

#1

So I went to my first ever Al-Anon meeting last week. Despite my best effort to miss it, the wrong place at the wrong time, I hung out the hour early I was and went.

Miserable.

Heart pounding nervous and awkward.

No idea of the etiquette or flow.

No idea really of what they were talking about.

Lord have mercy powdered coffee AND creamer. Thank god and Roms I had a big gulp.

Cliche serenity prayer and when you say hello EVERYONE says hello (insert name here).

Makes disappearing into the ground much harder when everyone says your name. So they make you fess up that this is the first meeting, ever and EVERYONE says welcome. Not so invisible. They make you read aloud which proved to be a challenge cause as it turns out I have a million tears just dying to spill over and well, no matter how hard you bite your lip, blink and swear, you just can't stop that sort of flood so to add insult to injury I just sat there and cried. And cried and cried and cried.

I hate to cry. I have even more crying in front of complete strangers.

Everything made me cry. Everything everyone said. I wanted to hide in the toilet and sob but that just seemed too dramatic so I sat there, my jacket zipped up to my ears and tried to be a turtle who simply had allergies. A leaky eyed boogery turtle who just could not get it together enough to quit crying. I don't even know why.

I have some ideas. Maybe relief. Maybe hope that this will not go on forever. Maybe because I had finally done Something.

They read of out this book and then talked about what they read, in relation to their own experience.

They called them, "My alcoholic."

They said, "My Program."

They talked about "Working the Steps."

They mentioned "My sponsor."

They talked about "Higher Power." (I'm not talking about trading in the Double A's For the Double D's Either)

How did I end up here? Not in the distasteful I'm better than this how did I end up here, but HOW THE FUCK is this MY life?

I have a my alcoholic. I am apparently going to have a program? I have to do steps which I admit I don't understand much less know how to work. A sponsor? As in someone to send me their spare change so I don't starve? A program that so far does not have instructions. I must admit I don't understand very much of what is going on yet. It's only been and 1 hour, 45 Min's, so I will have to be patient and wait to see and hopefully I'll begin to understand some of what they are saying.

Don't get me wrong. Everyone was nice. And even though I don't think I want to I will go back. They said if nothing else just keep coming back. So for now back I shall go.

#2

Oh the never ending joy this adventure had brought me. So I called Anna's school counselor too. I needed to talk to someone who knows more than me and though there are an infinite number of those around she seemed like a good start. I wanted to know if she knew of any Ala-teen meetings and to get her thoughts on the situation.

It's so much fun to tell people:

No were not nice normal people like you thought.

Yes, we're really messed up and broken.

Please look at me like we're bad and incompetent.

Yes, I too though we were better than this but no, we have really really screwed up our lives and by proxy our children.

Oh I agree it's creepy and disturbing and somehow dirty.

Please nod at me and smile like I'm unstable and may demonstrate how crazy I am at any minute.

Look at me with pity as I married an alcoholic and didn't even know it.

Yes, it was all a facade, we are not descent people.

I know not reliable at all.

I am very ashamed that this is where I am.

Look at Anna a feel sorry for her, look at her differently now that you know she doesn't come from a "good" home.

Now she didn't say a word that in anyway indicated she thought any of this. But It's how it feels. You kinda want to be a certain way and then all at once you're not AND you have to share that with other people. It sucks.

HELLO WORLD I'M A FAILURE.

Yeah look at me school teacher, the epitome of good and nice and kind I'm a royal screw up and my kids are getting hosed in the deal! Oh how wonderful it is to share.

But it's done. It's done with the hope that now there are more kind, loving and supportive eyes on my kids to help me catch them when they stumble, to love and encourage them so they can find the resilience to float even when the world weighs them down. I guess a good dose of humility does the character good.

#3.

The list goes on.

good grief.

meeting #2.

Yeah some new sucker who's now the newbie! Twisted I know.

Less anxiety producing as I knew what to expect. I still don't think I understand much of what they were saying and I managed to speak. No uncontrolled blubbering until after the meeting. It's so fragile, like mascara that's not water proof in the rain. It just runs at the slightest provocation.

I don't wear mascara either.

The book was different but the reading was the same. I just tried to listen. To really really listen. Your not supposed to say anything or make comments of what the other people say. That takes the pressure off. But it's hard to really just listen and not form replies or ask questions. Especially for me. I am very demanding of details and full of thoughts. Well here neither are allowed so I just have to hear what they say, say thanks and move onto the next person. So I am learning a new skill. We'll see how it turns out.

You don't have to talk and last week I didn't. Maybe 10 words the whole time. Shocking I know. So this week I decided what the hell. I'm here. My life's wreck and they say this can help so I am going to do it. I found it hard to talk. I don't know what to say. I can't say much without the damn leaky eyes so I just try. It's nice to know it's good enough. That today I did at least one thing that was good enough just the way it was.

I know that last line was very mopey. But it's late and I'm tired and feeling a little sorry for myself so mopey it will be.

I don't get this higher power stuff so I'll just have to let it sit for a while.

I like the catch phrase, there are a ton, but the one I like they call them the three C's.

I don't cause the drinking. I can't control the drinking and I can't cure the drinking.

So simple.

It's not my problem. I don't have to convince anyone there is a problem. I don't have to find a solution to the problem. It's not my problem to solve.

I had the greatest epiphany this week. I had been feeling so trapped and stuck in this situation, bound by money and the tangles of marriage. It had to do with my wanting, I think, Darren to leave and his refusal. I think he refuses because he thinks he will lose his "rights" to the house if he does. I can't leave as the mortgage is in my name. Essentially trapping me here but worse with him.

Then it was said to me, Just sell it. Those three words were like magic. I can sell it. It's just a house. Simple. Home will come with me wherever I go with the kids. Home is inside us and the house is just a place. It would be less than ideal to move them, but I am not stuck here.

It feels so liberating to know I can get out. Any ole time I want. I don't know when it will be or if that is what will happen but I KNOW I CAN and for right now that is enough. I am not, will not and cannot be held against my will.

Awesome.