As I sit in my living room plotting murder...

I realize that no one I know has a fatal food allergy. Does that mean those around me are lucky to have avoided such a life long challenge or does that say something about me? Is it a cosmic comment on my ability to show restraint, a question of my morals?

I suspect that will go unanswered.

Perhaps I should buy Darren a new riding coat, a unique and unusual one that would be easy to recognise. Kidding kidding, I don't have that kind of money.

I have been informed that I am not allowed to blog about my anything that pertains to my husband anymore. I think he thinks that our lives are mutually exclusive. He thinks I blog to get sympathy.

Little does he know I don't have to blog to get sympathy. I just have to ask. Pretty simple. Blogging has nothing to do with sympathy.

I blog for me. I blog to be funny. I blog to be silly. I blog to write stories and memories because I like to. I blog because I like to read other people's, to look into their lives and their hearts. To know their joys and success's and trials and mistakes. I blog to process to think. I blog to remember and clarify. I blog to have time to myself and place to share pictures. I blog for advice, creative inspiration. There are probably a hundred more reasons that I don't know right now. But what I do know is I blog for me.

He thinks I have no filters and that I air our dirty laundry on the Internet. (You should see my private collection of video's, google jackass and you'll find hundreds of hours of Darren at his best.) I'll be honest it's mostly his laundry. He has ALOT of laundry.

It's like being married to a comedian, not alot of privacy. Don't do things that are funny and shameful. Don't give me something to talk about. But in all seriousness I blog about my life and for now, at least, my husband is a part of my life and therefor is fair game.

Struck by the unattended blog...

I've been had by the blog bandit. As I made the mistake of leaving my blog unattended...
So as I was saying I had my review and am pleased to report that I am still employed. I will admit it was the best review yet. Very little corrective action!
Yeah!
I got out quite late and had to go get my dear Anna from my mom's as she was not feeling well, which put me on my way home around 10:30 am. This is really really late for me as I like to be safely tucked into bed by this time. Julianna wanted a drink so we stopped at the 7-11. (Thanks Mrs. Roms, you have me addicted to big gulps.) This is where the event, the all time low takes place...I was hungry and tired. I should just say it outright...I ate a 7-11 Taquito. Oh god I am embarrassed. Ashamed. horrified. I shall have to write it off to delirium.

Another all time high.

We got our asses kicked last night, mad crazy busy. I loved my patients so it was all good! I am skilled at many things. I am able to work under stressful conditions. I own a big heart that feels intensely. I am a wonderful friend and fabulous mom. I need to remind myself of the value of my spirit every now and then. today it is. The world better watch out Heather Digby is aware of her value.

Another night down the bottle, I mean drain.

I am pretty certain I have discovered what encourages Darren to drink.
Any act of niceness.
I went to costco for the outing of my life, getting new tires for his car, to save him the trip this weekend. As costco on saturday is pretty close to hell.

So I get home late and my dear and loving husband was staggeringly drunk. Awesome.

So is this a victory or another failure? I guess it's about perspective.
Victory that he didn't do it on a night that I had to work and leave the children.
Victory that he got tanked on his bike and was not drinking and driving.
Victory that he, well I have run out of positive perspective.

Failure that he's supposed to be quiting.
Failure that he fell asleep/passed out on my side of the bed and drooled on my pillow.
Failure that I could go on for a long time and well it's just too much energy to care.

It makes me in angry in the way sadness and hurt makes you angry. It makes me angry in the way a mother bear gets mad when her den is threatened.
I'll tell the truth. If it was a stranger, an outsider, a friend or casual acquaintance that was causing so much distress and havoc in my life and the life of my children I would fucking DESTROY them. But it's my very own husband! To destroy him would destroy in part them. So what to do about the fact that he is destroying himself and them in the process?

To see the waste is maddening.

My Favorite Distractions

Beckett LOVED Santa. NOT!
The Girls did. Still mildly angry at Macy's for destroying Santa Land. Bastards.
Beck at my mom's house. Those two thick as thieves.
Our lovely snow storm. I love snow. Traffic sucked but the snow rocked.
Henry and Abby. I love them already.
Such a sweet little guy.
Helping Katie with her personal space issues. It's called cuddle therapy.
Hot hot hot. Hot. Wendy Wendy WEndY WeNdY WEndy WENdy Wendy WenDY Wendy WENDy. Wendy.

They look cold. Silly girls.
Oh my dear friend Kellie whom I am soooooo sooooo sooooo sooooo sooooo hapy to have home. So sososososososososo!
Zoo Safari.
Mm mmm kissy kissy Barfy barfy.
Alex, my friend steffy's little boy. Such a sweetie.
Holly. What dark eyes you have.
She was very impressed by the zoo train. VERY.
My boy. My dear boy. Gosh I think he's cute.
Getting more teeth. Love the auto ISO to 6400. WOW!
Oops. Where are my clothes?
I want to pinch his rolls!