Sleepless

I have always fancied myself a champion sleeper.

Cat nap after babies, in the car. Loud banging, lawn mowing, shrieks of the kids. No problem. Olympic quality sleeper.

It blows my mind that this is what shatters that illusion.

I can't turn it off and it's torture. All day, all night, in my dreams.

Dreaming about my husband cheating on me with my best friends. Neighbors..everyone.

It really doesn't matter who it is it all smarts the same.

I am dying for just a break. Some silence. To not wonder. Is what I imagine worse or better?

I feel so desperately the need to have a answer. A plan. A solution. It's just not there. It's not that easy. There is no straight forward. Where do we begin?

We have spent our whole adult lives together. There is no one who knows me as well as he does. There is no one I have loved they way I have loved him. There is so much past and future everywhere I look and cannot begin to imagine it all as separate.

I don't remember out last kiss. I didn't even consider this could be it. The last time I fell asleep snuggled in his arms, content. Who logs those things, who thinks, tonite it's it. The last one.

It's an awfully big hole.

I go from broken hearted, sad beyond words to pissed off in the course of 15 minuets. What a crappy roller coaster ride. I wish it would stop. I would very much like to get off. I think from now on I'll ride those little trains that slowly tour the park. No fast starts, abrupt stops, huge falls.