M#4

A new milestone for me, my 4th alanon meeting, I no longer had to raise my hand and be like yes this is my less than 3rd meeting.

Please everyone look at me.

It's such an awkward place to be.

Darren has been giving me crap about going to these meetings so I said hey come why don't you. I I was surprised when he came. I also sorta felt like he was crowding in on my personal space. But in the end I am certain last night was way more awkward for him than me.

I have come to realize a few things and I love it. Darren's parents have been a brick wall. I understand that he is their son and they love him. I guess I have felt so desperate for help, support. I have so wanted him to get help and be well and I though his parents could help him, us. But I have realized they don't have to understand, it's not my problem and I don't have to convince anyone there is a problem. Not his parents. Not him. No one.

It's nice being able to focus on me and the kids the past two weeks. I have felt so overwhelmed that even the easiest decisions had been hard to make. One or two gallons of milk? Do we NEED more apples? But I guess that's part of it, the overwhelmed, not being able to DO anything. With the help of some very dear friends I have been doing things and it feels good.

I went to the red dress party and ran around Portland in my underwear. CRAZY fun the involved a huge headache and two blisters (on my toes). We have started a redo on our living room so as of right now it's concrete and empty but I am hoping for some new floors, cabinets and couch. We also cleaned and reorganized the living room making it just more livable.

That's kinda my thing right now. Just making it more livable. Weather or not I like it or want it, this is my life right now. It's not what I have planned or dreamed of. It's often not what I want or fantasize about. It's much harder and hurtful than I could of ever imagined. It is full of challenges that I never thought I would have to face, but here I am. So I guess I'll just try to make it more livable.