A fat white girls adventure in tanning

So last year I resolved to be quite.
I will let my friends weigh in on how successful I was with THAT resolution.

But this year I decided to take myself less seriously.
And as I spend a fair amount of time laughing at other people I figured I should start the year off by taking myself less seriously by allowing other people to laugh at me.
Hence the title and the fact that I am not keeping this little gem to myself. As it really should be my little secret.

Last year I went to Hawaii in December and got a nice tan and when I got home I thought I should tan once a week to keep that nice glow. As I much prefer tan Heather to white ass Heather. And perhaps I am a little vain, who knew? I never did though.
So when I went to Hawaii this past month and came home in need of a new drivers license I decided why yes I am going to tan a little to keep this nice brown glow...and have a decent DMV photo for once.
So after a bit of shopping around I decided on a modest 10 pack of tans at Tan Republic, I would go once a week till spring and then I could resume my worshiping of the real sun in April in Texas, maybe even at the only nude beach I "accidentally" discovered last time. It would make yoga nicer for the others.
So I pony up my bones on the cheapest package possible, who know there are Diamond Beds that are like $25 a tan!!!! I did not get the Diamond or ever gold bronze or silver. It's the basic but I am ok with that. Did you know there is a tanning tax? WTF?
I figured I am already a slight shade of golden brown and I'm looking for maintenance not color so who needs fancy high pressure beds.
So I walk my happy self to the bed looking forward to 20 mins of nice bright sun like light and being warm. FOR 20 MINS. Hmmm maybe that was not a super awesome choice. For this of you who have tanned....maybe you do so in your birthday suit. Or at least that's what I though being a non-experienced tanner. And though we were in Hawaii and I laid down a good foundation I wore a swimsuit while doing it. Yeah momma doesn't think anyone needs to be subject me in a bikini. So when I tanned I exposed all my parts directly to the light. And did you know when you tan it takes HOURS for the effects to come to life. So as I laid there feeling a little warm and prickly I was really being cooked to a bright RED CRISP!!! Oh how the color deepens with time. And oddly enough the scarlet red areas illuminate a lot of things I didn't know. Like you need to turn on your sides as they are still bright white. And you need to lift up your arms. And when you lay on your back things settle and separate. NOT flattering. At all. To have these facts be brought to light...hehe light. It's also very illuminating the parts that touch one another and no light was shed there. On the upside those parts aren't red and burned and prickly. Did you know stretch marks burn even worse than regular white skin? Wow. True statement.

Can't wait for next time...