Looks Just like Darren.

This he learned from his dad.
Katie taking beck down the slide. She's got a system.
Anything you want little man, anything you want.
Happy boy.
Katie was at the just right age to become a big sis. She loved babies and dollies and has always had a mommy instinct and Beck came along and over the moon she went.

Those two, thick as thieves.

My Sweets.

How happy is she?
Do you think he's under weight?
Hi. I love you.
Mmmm...even here I think he's yummy.
Up up and away.
It's a good day when you get to be wet and muddy.
Soo happy.
What is that? I love his curious face.
Anna's the one with one long and one short sock. What a weirdo.
Not sure he loved the whole tube thing.
God he's cute(the little mostly hairless one).
Ahh.
Uh oh. Up to something naughty.
Check out those chompers!

If only I were.

What if my life was.....

single as waitress in Las Vegas.

Married to a millionaire.

23 with no children.

6 feet tall and 120lbs.

I was watching a video and thinking about how cool another life could be. I think it's the lure of the unknown. The fact that I don't know and can make it anything I want it to be. Whereas I know what this life contains. Don't get me wrong I love it, its just alot of work.

From the minute my eyes open (which is whenever Beck chooses) there's breakfast, kids to get ready, kids to drop off, kids to change, kids to nap, house to clean, groceries to buy, bills to pay, laundry, laudry, laundy, lunch for baby, clean up the baby, get the kids from school, snacks, more dishes and sweeping, homework, fighting siblings, whiny baby, dinner to get ready, serve and clean up after, then off to basketball, swimming, softball or work, bedtime teeth and books and jammies and bottles, some occasional crying. It's full of moments when it's amazing. Katie reading signs, back saying momma and walking, Julianna making jokes, Katie telling me after she brushes her teeth that I can rub her back, Kia's wild antics feeling becks warm sweaty head as he falls asleep, Katie's impish grin as she runs to me off the bus, Julianna's stories and plays, the way Katie cuddles, pressed up against you holding on tight, Becks hair pulling hugs, Julianna's conversation.

It's a choice. I wanted this and I love it. There is so much happiness to be had, hidden in the day to day. If I spend too much time looking back I remember the fun that I had, the way it was before, but in that moment did I really know that? If I spend to much time looking ahead planning for how it will be, I miss how it really is. And it really is soft, warm, sweet, tiring, bitter and magical all at once.

I've always believed that babies bring with them when they come gifts. Sometimes it obvious and others may take year to discover. Becks gift is that of now. I lay in bed with him for naps, rubbing his belly and fat soft thighs hoping to coax him to sleep, messy house, list of to do's waiting tat I gladly ignore and I know I only have a year, maybe two, of this nap cuddling and I best know it is wonderful now.

As I sit in my living room plotting murder...

I realize that no one I know has a fatal food allergy. Does that mean those around me are lucky to have avoided such a life long challenge or does that say something about me? Is it a cosmic comment on my ability to show restraint, a question of my morals?

I suspect that will go unanswered.

Perhaps I should buy Darren a new riding coat, a unique and unusual one that would be easy to recognise. Kidding kidding, I don't have that kind of money.

I have been informed that I am not allowed to blog about my anything that pertains to my husband anymore. I think he thinks that our lives are mutually exclusive. He thinks I blog to get sympathy.

Little does he know I don't have to blog to get sympathy. I just have to ask. Pretty simple. Blogging has nothing to do with sympathy.

I blog for me. I blog to be funny. I blog to be silly. I blog to write stories and memories because I like to. I blog because I like to read other people's, to look into their lives and their hearts. To know their joys and success's and trials and mistakes. I blog to process to think. I blog to remember and clarify. I blog to have time to myself and place to share pictures. I blog for advice, creative inspiration. There are probably a hundred more reasons that I don't know right now. But what I do know is I blog for me.

He thinks I have no filters and that I air our dirty laundry on the Internet. (You should see my private collection of video's, google jackass and you'll find hundreds of hours of Darren at his best.) I'll be honest it's mostly his laundry. He has ALOT of laundry.

It's like being married to a comedian, not alot of privacy. Don't do things that are funny and shameful. Don't give me something to talk about. But in all seriousness I blog about my life and for now, at least, my husband is a part of my life and therefor is fair game.

Struck by the unattended blog...

I've been had by the blog bandit. As I made the mistake of leaving my blog unattended...
So as I was saying I had my review and am pleased to report that I am still employed. I will admit it was the best review yet. Very little corrective action!
Yeah!
I got out quite late and had to go get my dear Anna from my mom's as she was not feeling well, which put me on my way home around 10:30 am. This is really really late for me as I like to be safely tucked into bed by this time. Julianna wanted a drink so we stopped at the 7-11. (Thanks Mrs. Roms, you have me addicted to big gulps.) This is where the event, the all time low takes place...I was hungry and tired. I should just say it outright...I ate a 7-11 Taquito. Oh god I am embarrassed. Ashamed. horrified. I shall have to write it off to delirium.

Another all time high.

We got our asses kicked last night, mad crazy busy. I loved my patients so it was all good! I am skilled at many things. I am able to work under stressful conditions. I own a big heart that feels intensely. I am a wonderful friend and fabulous mom. I need to remind myself of the value of my spirit every now and then. today it is. The world better watch out Heather Digby is aware of her value.

Another night down the bottle, I mean drain.

I am pretty certain I have discovered what encourages Darren to drink.
Any act of niceness.
I went to costco for the outing of my life, getting new tires for his car, to save him the trip this weekend. As costco on saturday is pretty close to hell.

So I get home late and my dear and loving husband was staggeringly drunk. Awesome.

So is this a victory or another failure? I guess it's about perspective.
Victory that he didn't do it on a night that I had to work and leave the children.
Victory that he got tanked on his bike and was not drinking and driving.
Victory that he, well I have run out of positive perspective.

Failure that he's supposed to be quiting.
Failure that he fell asleep/passed out on my side of the bed and drooled on my pillow.
Failure that I could go on for a long time and well it's just too much energy to care.

It makes me in angry in the way sadness and hurt makes you angry. It makes me angry in the way a mother bear gets mad when her den is threatened.
I'll tell the truth. If it was a stranger, an outsider, a friend or casual acquaintance that was causing so much distress and havoc in my life and the life of my children I would fucking DESTROY them. But it's my very own husband! To destroy him would destroy in part them. So what to do about the fact that he is destroying himself and them in the process?

To see the waste is maddening.