Another night down the bottle, I mean drain.

I am pretty certain I have discovered what encourages Darren to drink.
Any act of niceness.
I went to costco for the outing of my life, getting new tires for his car, to save him the trip this weekend. As costco on saturday is pretty close to hell.

So I get home late and my dear and loving husband was staggeringly drunk. Awesome.

So is this a victory or another failure? I guess it's about perspective.
Victory that he didn't do it on a night that I had to work and leave the children.
Victory that he got tanked on his bike and was not drinking and driving.
Victory that he, well I have run out of positive perspective.

Failure that he's supposed to be quiting.
Failure that he fell asleep/passed out on my side of the bed and drooled on my pillow.
Failure that I could go on for a long time and well it's just too much energy to care.

It makes me in angry in the way sadness and hurt makes you angry. It makes me angry in the way a mother bear gets mad when her den is threatened.
I'll tell the truth. If it was a stranger, an outsider, a friend or casual acquaintance that was causing so much distress and havoc in my life and the life of my children I would fucking DESTROY them. But it's my very own husband! To destroy him would destroy in part them. So what to do about the fact that he is destroying himself and them in the process?

To see the waste is maddening.