Laid. Off.

Not the good kind of laid I might mention. So dear Darren is going to lose his job. I don't mean to be pessimistic and it's not that I doubt his skill, worthiness, ya know overall badassness. It is just something that I know will happen. Not only because his department at work is closing that was a big hint but just something I know in my guts. I have been concerned that past few weeks as the words have been floating around on the hill. Just a doom in my belly, well above the baby. Not baby belly doom just a knowing. 

It sorta sucks I have to be honest. It sucks in so many ways I am confronted with a new sort of suckyness every time I think about it. Like his braces, he won't have the coverage he did before, how much will that cost? I'll have to add him to my insurance, more money. 

If I kill him he won't have as much insurance coverage, sorta forcing my hand. Do I like hurry up and do it before the coverage is gone? Can I really afford to wait? I feel overwhelmed by that decision. I had always kept murder as my plan b, but now what? Big decision.

Should I go for broke and take the maternity leave and through caution to the wind and just trust that we will not end up financially ruined? I know we won't lose our house and we won't starve. It would take a LONG DAMN time for me to starve to death anyways so I am confident in that arena. But our lives are SOOOO going to change and I think that is what scares me. The UNKNOWN.

Will he find another job with another company? Will he take a crappy job on the hill just to not be unemployed? I feel like grieving the loss of my tropical vacation next year. I have a sense we won't be on a beach, well a sunny warm beach after a plane ride, for at least a year if not two. Our retirements will continue to decrease both in what we contribute and what the market loses. 

I have to admit. I like my lifestyle. It rocks. I don't want it to change. I REALLY  don't want to be POOR. I hate feeling like I'm on a budget. We will be on a budget. A frankly SMALL budget. A maternity leave unpaid for 10 weeks budget. 

Goodbye savings. I had secretly hoped we could keep some of the money and go to Hawaii after we all got settled back into working after baby. I'll be forced to pretend at the community center in the hot tub.

Darren is a good guy. I know he will work. He always has and has a good work ethic. It's not him I doubt. It's the economy that I worry about. And the pregnancy hormones. I worry so much lately, If only I could afford some Internet ativan....