Birth Plan.

It's so funny now to hear those words. 

The long awaited birth plan. 

The plan for birth. 

My last baby as delivered just after I finished nursing school and had spent 3 whole months in labor and delivery which meant I knew precisely, Nothing. 

I had a birth plan. I had plans. 

I realize now, none of it matters.

I hate pregnancy hormones. 

They make you act all wacky and crazy. Darren said this crazy has been the best crazy so far. I don't know what to make of that. Silly man.

I do know that I have been reduced to tears a number of times this pregnancy and I am not a big crier. I have cried over broken chains on the side of the road. I have cried over the possibility  of my house flooding and the fact that other peoples did. I cried about Jon Travolta's son dying, god no parent should outlive their children. I could come up with at least a dozen more examples. These are just the most recent. 

I have had my feelings hurt so much more and that I do not like.

I have worried so much more this time around and don't know why. I don't think I am high strung or anxious. But who knows. Maybe I am. I worried about a miscarriage, I worried about the ultrasounds. I worry about the delivery. 

Like I have NEVER worried before.

I have held the hands of moms whose babies have died and felt my heart break with sadness and sorrow.

Small broken little bodies that were never meant to be and big beautiful babies that were so meant to be. Leaving behind such profound grief.

Here's the deal I don't really know it. I see it, I feel it. That's enough for me. I don't want to know it. I really really don't. 

No prolapses, No shoulders, No abruptions, No knots, No cord accidents, No rupture, No vasa previa's. Please. Did I miss anything?

All I want from this birth, all I need in my plan is 5 simple words. 

I WANT MY BABY SAFE.

I don't care about IV's. One, two whatever. Wherever.

I don't care about monitoring. External, Internal, continuous, intermittent. Whatever.

I don't care about Pitocin. Yes, no. Whatever.

I don't care about vag exams. I don't care about the lights or the music or the sounds in the room. I don't care if  you do or don't break my water. I don't care if I need a c-section. I don't care if you do or don't ask about my pain. You can directly speak to me. I do not need to give my express written or verbal consent and specific permission for every damn thing. 

I don't care if there are dude providers. I don't really even care who's in there. (unless they're really damn annoying, but we can cross that bridge later.) 

Here is what I know for sure. 

I work with the best labor nurses ever. I have seen it first hand time and time again. They amaze me and they are my friends. 

I am in good hands. Really DAMN good hands.

I trust them to protect me and look after me and the baby. I know I am lucky to have faith in the people that take will take care of us.

If there's a shoulder my symphysis will soo separate, it did with Julianna so feel free, FLEX those hips, I promise I won't be mad.