Sad

I was intending to blog about being sad but I just ate the most yummy pizza and was looking at my favorite make me want to pee my pants website and I don't feel so sad right now. It's failblog.org by the way and it is hysterical and shocking all at the same time.  

I am sad that it is 5 am and I can't sleep. I have been waking up god awful early for weeks now. Thanks baby.

So I had the anatomy survey today and all went well with that. Other than the fantastic on-going conflict with my husband and we didn't speak a word to each other. And the placenta wasn't well seen so it's not certain that a piece doesn't cover the cervix, but I have faith that it will grow up up and away. And he wasn't sure that the baby doesn't have a club foot. He doesn't think it does but he's not sure. He being Fred, he was so funny and the kids loved him. Me too. I think he's a pretty good guy. No luck on seeing the baby's parts so we know it's either a girl or a boy. AWESOME. 

I guess now that I've been concentrating I can get on with sad. 

I'm sad that things have been they way they are and that I have no idea of what is going on with me and Darren. I am profoundly sad that I don't trust him. It is such a basic thing. It amazes me how much it undermines our relationship in so many areas. It makes me sad that he doesn't seem to care that I don't trust him. I mean that in he doesn't stop doing the deceitful things. So in my mind I think if you care about how I feel and I feel like crap when you lie, deceive and hide things from me and it makes you not trust me, then you should stop. 

Help me! Is that the wrong way to think? It is an unfair expectation?

I'm sad that I can't have what I want. I love love love my girls more than I ever thought possible and have tried to keep finding ways to be a good mom and give them the best possible chance at being great. Darren and I have never had a great marriage. It has always been a ton of work to just keep going. But in my mind if we separate the consequences seem to great. Part of me believes that I would be happier not feeling so angry and frustrated all the time, but I know it's not just about me. But the  girls and him too. So pragmatically the financial impact would be great. No more long vacations, no more buying sprees at the book fair. Not just the fun stuff either. It would become a struggle to meet all the basic expenses on just one income. We don't have a fancy life but right now it is comfortable and there is a certain security in that. Plus I would have huge daycare expenses with a new baby and not very much maternity leave and it would be hard as hell to do a new baby and the girls and work full time. NOT great right? And I would not be able to bear the unknown of what sort of girl Darren would bring into their lives. That makes me want to BARF!!!! Or set fire to him. But I am going back to sad, cause angry tends to be too easy.

I also think about how hard it is for kids to go through a divorce.  School performance, behavior changes, missing their dad at night before bed. It kills me. I more than anything want to be able to give this to the girls. More than anything else, I want them to feel safe. I know that they are not oblivious to our discord, but we do try to not fight in front of the kids and not be to terrible to terrible to one another in their presence. My mom always wonders what I get so upset about. He doesn't hit me, he doesn't hit the kids he goes to work. She says love and all that other "stuff" is just American fairy tales. And it's too late now, he's already their father and you can't change it or take it away. "It not so bad" she always says. I guess in part it's true. 

I just hate hate hate the idea of ending up one of the numbers of couples that don't make it. I HATE it. I don't want it. 

I don't know what to do. Every six months or so things seem to explode and it sucks so bad. It breaks my heart it shatters my hope it makes me miserable. It makes me wish my dad was here so I could climb into his lap and just feel loved. 

That makes me sad, I don't often feel loved by my husband. 

I'm sad really really sad right now. 

I'm sad because  totally got lured into another baby because I like then a lot and felt like we had the greatest kids ever, one more would be so amazing. And when I got pregnant he wasn't nearly as thrilled as I. I know he worries. The last two girls their pregnancies were anything but great. He really at first did not want Anna and moved out because I did. He fell in love with her and adores her now but it was so tough. Katie was a failed IUD and even I didn't want another baby, but what to do. She changed our whole lives in the best way possible. but he moved out then too. Alcohol has not been his friend. That was such a rough time. It was so much work. But it turned out OK, not just OK but sometimes it was great. Great enough to have another baby. 

Am I just deceiving myself when thing seem OK? I think it must be pretty easy to deceive me cause I want it to be true so so badly. 

This time I asked him please this is our last kid, I want it to be great. I want to be excited and decorate a nursery and shop for baby things. I want you to be happy and have fun with me with this. I want you not to be nasty to me and call the baby names like the dumb baby or the baby that ruined my life. I want you to not tell me about how much you think this is going to suck. I know these are normal guy feeling but I just want to pretend that you area one of those guys who's happy about his family and his life and loves his wife. Please don't ruin it you know. This is important to me.  

The other night we were laying in bed and I told him right now I am really really happy and I love you a lot. I told him how that is hard for me feel cause it's so vulnerable. I hate having my heart broke. I hate feeling so sad. I told him he has no idea of what it's like to have your world turned upside down in a moment and the trepidation you feel for the rest of your life because of it. That it is so hard to love whole heartedly knowing what it feels like to lose it in a single moment. It leaves a mark. It's hard to feel so exposed and that's how I'm feel when I just love you and enjoy you. So I asked him to please not do anything stupid now because it was going so well. That I had so many hopes, that I was having so much fun with just being happy. Please.

I hate that I hope so much for us. I hate I hope so much for this family. My husband has such little regard for me and it hurts that I wish it was different. It sucks that we got married cause I clearly am not the girl for him. There is so much about me he doesn't like. I get too happy and excited about things. I get mad and angry and disappointed. I often don't care what other people think about me and don't do well faking nice. He thinks I'm emotionally defective. When ever I get mad at him I'm automatically called crazy and everything I feel or think is dismissed because of the "crazy". Now I feel like he ridicules me, mocks me, dismisses me. Everything I think or want is wrong unreasonable rediculous or somehow controlling. But in the end it comes down to one simple thing. He just doesn't think very much of me. To just completely and regularly and systematically dismiss me over and over and over tells me that he just doesn't think I'm worth it. I have no value or influence. I am just a nagging crazy controlling bitch to him. That really sucks.  

It used to be fun. It used to be calm and quite with him. He used to so nice to me, just simple and easy. 

 Sad. It makes me really really sad.