I wish I dreamed of Bananas.

0411. When I was, for a brief period, a checker at a Safeway I dreamed of bananas. The produce code was 0411. There were like 100 million codes to remember and I think it must have been anxiety producing as I remember dreaming of that code and bananas. 

When I worked at MC Donald's I dreamed about the beeping of the fry machine and drive thru windows that wouldn't open and orders over the intercom that sounded like charlie brown adults. 

I often think about becoming a barista at Starbucks. I think I could deal with that. What's the worst thing that can happen? A pissed off under caffeinated self inflated person freaking out about the lack of extra foam. I think I could deal with that. 

Last night I dreamt of dead and dying babies. I must admit I do not feel well rested today. 

I know you can tell me it's part of my job and I should know this. 

I do. Most times it's not too bad. I can find the right category to put the death in. 

It's OK. It's sad but manageable. It does not invade my dreams. 

I have this philosophy about my work. It keeps me sane, patient and I hope most of the time kind. 

I will be as invested in the health and safety of you and your baby as you are. 

You can be crazy, mean, addicted, neurotic and controlling. You can be simple, poor, stupid, alone or the mother of 8. You can have a giant house and a nanny or be a near homeless prostitute. I will give you all the same. 

I will not fight you to allow me to take care of you or your baby. I will simply do my best with what you will allow. 

Sometimes they allow alot. Sometimes moms try so hard and invest to much.

So the down side is I do to. 

I find myself liking my patients and having hope for them. I find optimism and want them to have joy.  Invested doesn't always mean the same thing and it is so different in each person, but you can always find it if it's there. It's like a little reward when nice things happen to people who are invested. So the majority of my work consists of small rewards. Doled out in little bits of joy and happiness mixed in with occasional sadness and disappointments. 

Sometimes though the sadness is so huge. 

The balance is so off. 

The investment is so big. It reduces you to say it's just not fair. 

Last night was just not fair. 

It was not the right outcome for the investment. For that mom's investment.

It is too much and the only way your mind can process it is in your dreams. I wish I still dreamed of bananas.