Merry Christmas 2011

Have had some serious bloggers block the last year and it's killing me. Not a single blog I start am I able to start and sit through. I think it may be mirroring whats going on in my mind. So I am gonna start easy.

Jean, in the picture with Katie came to town (she lives in England), as Dennis (Darren's dad) had a heart valve replaced and it's taken longer than expected to wake up much less get better. I guess she was worried so she came for a quick visit. She's super funny and the kids really like her. So we all met and went out to lunch while she was here in town. And As you can see Katie loved it.

We always do the same things every year as a family around Christmas. We go to zoo lights and downtown to see Santa and go out to dinner. And these things really matter to me, I think they really matter to the kids as they are...tradition.
Darren bailed on these and that was really hard. But we still had so much fun. Beck was nuts for the lights. I mean nuts complete with shrieking and laughing and pointing. And a fair amount of refusing to walk. Anna and her class sang at the zoo and it was lovely and just made me feel proud. I am proud of her. And I know I am the lucky one. I get to be there and I have no fear that I will miss out on these details of their life. I just need to get over the work I have to do to that. I am trying so hard to accept that I will have to do this on my own, something I never wanted to do. Just like cutting down a gigantic christmas tree. BY MY SELF. And by my self I mean with my kids and bestie so I guess not really by myself. I will correctly rephrase without Darren. It was huge. It made my biceps burn. It was so friggen heavy and it was FULL of spiders. I hate spiders. We had to cram it into the tree stand and it shed like a million needles when I stuffed it in the front door. None the less I felt so victorious and proud of myself so thats a start right?

I also managed to take the kids to see Santa. Stand in line, coerce them into sitting in Santa's lap, out to a yummy dinner. Giggles and Joy abound. Beck shouting at Santa without making eye contact and blowing my shopping list and throwing me into a shopping frenzy! Want buttons with truck, and by this he meant a truck with buttons to make noise and generally annoy me. So friggen adorable. I will never trade these moments for anything. Ever. I finally understand what daily bread means. That life, on an everyday basis is hard and lots and lots of work. And no single event is all easy or good of funny or without complications or trouble. But they also are not without love and laughter and hope and future and chance and joy. Daily bread is that. You cannot choose just one side of the equation. The work is the nourishment. And I right now am super nourished.

Christmas this year was hard and different and filled with uncertainty. But it was also filled with on the fly parties with the best friends ever, they save me sometimes in what feels like just the last moments, fun adventures, shopping, gifts joy and so much love. It even, most shocking of all, included an afternoon with all the cousins on Darren's side of the family. And that afternoon, was great. I was so uncomfortable and so forcing myself to do that. I had the hardest time trying to figure out what the best way to do christmas was. But as everyone who knows me knew I can never refuse the kids and Katie really wanted her dad here so he came. And it was nice. A little awkward but nice.

It's weird not knowing how to be around someone your married to. To be so uncertain of how to act and feel towards someone you love and want to be with but don't know how. To not know anymore. To wonder so completely about the past we shared and what was true and lies. To be so shocked and hurt. To feel so unsure, sad, scared. This is where I get confused.

I wanted to take the kids tubbing and sorta at the last minuet we decided to go. And I was shocked by how much fun I had. How much fun the kids had!! My favorite moment was when Beck, who hated tubing, was being swung in circles and then....Darren let go and down hill baby Beck flew, up over and embankment and over the side disappearing along the side of the building. Thank god it was only about 4 feet down and Beck was well wedged in the tube, shocked and big eyed, but ok. It felt so nice to just have some fun.

Feel the burn...

That could mean so many thing in my life right now.
But mostly it means I've got my mac back!!!

It's not quite the same burn I'm used too. My other Mac got real real warm uncomfortably warm. But what i'm most excited about is getting to sit and hang out and blog.

Then there's the hot yoga. What a stupid idea. Stupid stupid.
I bought a groupon for 20 hot yoga classes. I hadn't really given much thought to the kind of class it would be.

So when it was time to go of course I suckered my dear and darling friend teresa to come with me. I had no lofty goals or expectations, I thought if I can just manage to stay in the room for the class I will call that a victory.

Oh my. I had no idea!!

excuse me?

I am struggling to start this as I am floored and completely confused.

It has been a crazy and wild year. It's been by far the hardest.

Last new years and by new years I mean chinese new years (so that makes it February for all you white folks) my mom said she paid to have prayers for me. I said I was excited for the New year as I hoped I could just move on from the past year and never look back. Last year was not a year that I wanted to look back on and remember. My mom laughed a little and said OOh Heather, you have no idea it will be worse this year.

As I normally do I laughed and igonored her. I thought to myself really how could it be worse? What more could more miserable than this last year?

Well I found out and let me just say it sucks.
it sucks ass and I want to crawl in a hole and dissapear.

Family Belongings

Spent the night looking at houses in Langley Canada. And the immigration process. And jobs.

We went to Jeff and Queenie's wedding and had the most wonderful time. It was long and loud and in a language I don't really understand. There were people smiling at us the whole day, gently nodding their heads yes whenever we spoke. It all seemed so positive.
It even included a Chinese grandma speaking harshly, expectation and shame. The dinner was filled with lots or food that I did not recognize or want to eat but it was still so familiar.
I spent a good part of the day wondering what the feeling in my heart was.
It was big and warm and it made me smile.
It was quiet and simple and safe.
It was old and full of childhood memories that are so very dear and sweet and fun. It was family history and acceptance and joy.
It was time and love and belonging.

It's the kind of belonging that only happens...sometimes. And under the right circumstances. For some wonderful reason the magic combination exists in this nothing town of Langley. It's an OLD old thing that is transported from a time and culture that I have known but never knew. I know it's always existed there for me but it must just be the time in my life that I am able to feel it and appreciate it.

I've had for a long time an idea of family. An expectation of family that has just never been. Being in a house full of cousins, uncles and aunts who have the same idea of family was so much fun. To know, no matter what I did, what messy noisy chaos the kids whipped up or how poorly behaved anyone was, they were loved.
Equally.
It was cool to watch how that standard was cultivated and monitored. How it was ingrained and managed. I'd like to be closer to it. To learn to do it. To be a part of it.
To be with my family.

Thing's I'd say on Facebook if I wasn't friends with my kids....

Softball Sucks...

You're a card carrying member of the Bro's Before Hoe's club and I wish you'd go live in the clubhouse.

Having to work sucks and I'd love to just say later bitches and lave my life for somewhere sunny.

Drinking is fun and it sucks that you got bad genetics.

Waiting...

And waiting and waiting and waiting. I feel like i've been waiting and waiting.

What am I waiting for?

Nice. I feel like I'm waiting for nice.
Smiling. I miss having the person in my life smile when they see me. That little twinkle, the twinge in the heart.

Adoration. Someone to buy me shiny pretty diamonds or at least want to.
A little tiny bit of appreciation.
Gratitude. Gratitude and appreciation bind, it's the cement.
Comfort and security and faithfulness.
For things to not be so hard!

It sounds so sad and pathetic. This unhappiness, this waiting.

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a while back. It seemed so fake to me.

I was soo excited to get married. And so pie eyed and optimistic. I so remember sitting at marriage counseling thinking in an annoyed fashion...none of this applies. I love him so much none of this will ever happen. I will love him like this forever. EVER.

I was wrong.

I had no idea the things that would happen between here and there.
I had no idea of how much I'd grow and change.
I had no idea of how far a person can be pushed.
I had no idea of how long i'd wait.