Merry Christmas 2011

Have had some serious bloggers block the last year and it's killing me. Not a single blog I start am I able to start and sit through. I think it may be mirroring whats going on in my mind. So I am gonna start easy.

Jean, in the picture with Katie came to town (she lives in England), as Dennis (Darren's dad) had a heart valve replaced and it's taken longer than expected to wake up much less get better. I guess she was worried so she came for a quick visit. She's super funny and the kids really like her. So we all met and went out to lunch while she was here in town. And As you can see Katie loved it.

We always do the same things every year as a family around Christmas. We go to zoo lights and downtown to see Santa and go out to dinner. And these things really matter to me, I think they really matter to the kids as they are...tradition.
Darren bailed on these and that was really hard. But we still had so much fun. Beck was nuts for the lights. I mean nuts complete with shrieking and laughing and pointing. And a fair amount of refusing to walk. Anna and her class sang at the zoo and it was lovely and just made me feel proud. I am proud of her. And I know I am the lucky one. I get to be there and I have no fear that I will miss out on these details of their life. I just need to get over the work I have to do to that. I am trying so hard to accept that I will have to do this on my own, something I never wanted to do. Just like cutting down a gigantic christmas tree. BY MY SELF. And by my self I mean with my kids and bestie so I guess not really by myself. I will correctly rephrase without Darren. It was huge. It made my biceps burn. It was so friggen heavy and it was FULL of spiders. I hate spiders. We had to cram it into the tree stand and it shed like a million needles when I stuffed it in the front door. None the less I felt so victorious and proud of myself so thats a start right?

I also managed to take the kids to see Santa. Stand in line, coerce them into sitting in Santa's lap, out to a yummy dinner. Giggles and Joy abound. Beck shouting at Santa without making eye contact and blowing my shopping list and throwing me into a shopping frenzy! Want buttons with truck, and by this he meant a truck with buttons to make noise and generally annoy me. So friggen adorable. I will never trade these moments for anything. Ever. I finally understand what daily bread means. That life, on an everyday basis is hard and lots and lots of work. And no single event is all easy or good of funny or without complications or trouble. But they also are not without love and laughter and hope and future and chance and joy. Daily bread is that. You cannot choose just one side of the equation. The work is the nourishment. And I right now am super nourished.

Christmas this year was hard and different and filled with uncertainty. But it was also filled with on the fly parties with the best friends ever, they save me sometimes in what feels like just the last moments, fun adventures, shopping, gifts joy and so much love. It even, most shocking of all, included an afternoon with all the cousins on Darren's side of the family. And that afternoon, was great. I was so uncomfortable and so forcing myself to do that. I had the hardest time trying to figure out what the best way to do christmas was. But as everyone who knows me knew I can never refuse the kids and Katie really wanted her dad here so he came. And it was nice. A little awkward but nice.

It's weird not knowing how to be around someone your married to. To be so uncertain of how to act and feel towards someone you love and want to be with but don't know how. To not know anymore. To wonder so completely about the past we shared and what was true and lies. To be so shocked and hurt. To feel so unsure, sad, scared. This is where I get confused.

I wanted to take the kids tubbing and sorta at the last minuet we decided to go. And I was shocked by how much fun I had. How much fun the kids had!! My favorite moment was when Beck, who hated tubing, was being swung in circles and then....Darren let go and down hill baby Beck flew, up over and embankment and over the side disappearing along the side of the building. Thank god it was only about 4 feet down and Beck was well wedged in the tube, shocked and big eyed, but ok. It felt so nice to just have some fun.