Crystal Ball Anyone

I may just have to settle for the magic 8 ball the way things are going.

I am trying not to be the person who is unhappy and complaining all the time. The person who won't shut up about how miserable their life is and how bad it sucks. But I fear it has happened anyway.

I don't mind dirty laundry. It makes me feel connected. Inevitable someone else has dirty panties too. It reminds me life is real and hard and that I don't have to pretend everything is perfect, debt free with oodles of money in the bank, beautiful children and adoring husband. Well the truth is I don't have all of the these things. And it's OK. So if you don't like dirty laundry airing in plain sight look away.

I have some blog business to attend to:
I am grateful for you, you know who you are. I know many of you will smile knowing I am talking to you and you are all correct. Those who surround me, love me, talk to me, listen to me, make me laugh, play with my kids, drink coffee, tell me things that hurt but are true, share your own experiences, answer my call lights and all the other remarkable but unlisted things your are my light. I will admit it is feeling darker by the day, but if I open my eyes I see all your bright lights and I know I will find the way.

I am handicapped by indecision. I just don't know where to begin. I don't know where it will end. I am a planner by nature and it's just driving me crazy the waiting. The not knowing. If anyone has a Crystal ball please call me ASAP.

It amazes me, that so many people have shared their own experiences of life with an alcoholic to me. That it impacts so many people. The wake of destruction is wide and deep. (I admit my mind now wanders, with the word wake, to my hearts true desire... moomba). Being in the middle of it sucks.

How do I best get the kids through this? That is most important to me know. For a long while I wanted to hold out on meetings for them as I wanted to spare them having to go through it. I wanted to have a plan to present them with an answer. I have come to realize I can't spare them this. It's killing me. The other day at school during conferences one of Anna's teachers asked me how things were going. She's just noticed that Anna wasn't her bright self lately. I thought I was going to vomit. Really. Right there on her carpet. I told her about their father and she smiled knowingly and said she understood. She'd been there too. I admit defeat. I am taking her to meetings soon. just looking for one that works, it's now a big priority. No matter what happens this is affecting her, she has not been spared and deserves the support.

I guess It was also in part that I am angry for being in this position. How did I end up having to go to FU**ing meetings even though I am not the drinker? How come I have to do all the crap and deal with the backlash of this when it's not even me? It doesn't matter that it's not fair or that I end up with the broken pieces right? What matters is that I do it. My friend the other night said going is better than the alternative of not going. It took me while to understand what the really meant but I think I do now. And in the end it's not about me and what I want or how I feel about going it's about having the courage and strength to go for them. For Anna's light. I will buck up and go to a god damn meeting with strangers and do something that I really hate.
I hate meetings.
I hate strangers.
I hate group meetings.
Did I say I hate strangers?
I hate the unknown.

Can I bring kids?
Will there be gross cookies and powdered creamer?
How long will it last?
The list is long and I have many excuses not to go....

Is it any surprise I hate doing things alone? I like to surround myself with my friends and family and do group things.

Not meetings with strangers.
I hate this. All of it.
I know, alot of hate right now.

Tonight 6:15 I will try to go. I called about meeting information for Anna. So you see I am trying. These first steps are hard. Really really hard.
Going is almost like admitting it's more than I can do.
But this is becoming more than I can do. And over and over again I remind myself this is not about me. It's about keeping Anna bright. Filling Katie with enough that she will bob to the surface no matter what. Making Beck feel safe and calm. Keeping Kia moving forward. Maybe me too on the last one.