Truth

If I were in the 9th grade i'd start this with

Dear Dairy,

I think it has been awhile since I heard the truth. Not the kind that other people tell you, but the kind you tell yourself. It is so easy to hear what you want and ignore the rest. I think however I need the truth to try to find where I am meant to be. 

I desperatly want another baby. But when I ask myself why there are many good and reasonable answers but here is a truth. There are reasons not to, that I ignore. Reasons that at this time cannot be disputed. Listen or ignore? Is want enough, it is right to do just because I want?

I like having money. I like going on vacation for four weeks a year. I like going to the spa and costco and buying kids shoes, having enough for dance and soccer and swimming lessons. I like having money to give gifts and buy friends lunches. I hate being broke and feel anxiety if I don't have any money. I have more money because we have two incomes, but if there were only one, I would not vacation. I could not buy my friends lunch and shamelessly bribe the children's teachers. I think these things about one income. Truth, I am selfish and I want. So I make concessions to have two incomes. Even more truth, I create complicated tangles that require two incomes to sustain. I am afraid of what would happen if there was no requirement of two incomes. Nothing concrete and tangible to bind.  

I think children need both a mom and dad together in a home. I don't want to be a statistic. I believe that being able to be successful in a marriage sayes something about a person. I don't want to be subject to my own silently thought judgements. I want to be better than that. Better than those. Truth, I have long ago realized that marriage is not the love and joy and butterflies that fairly tales make it. I would settle for peaceful or not lonely. What do I deceive myself about here? I want my children to be happy and well adjusted. I will gladly sacrifice for that, But lately I wonder what I have given up and what will I gain. Truer still, there is such deception in my marriage. I deceive myself because I want. 

My husband drinks. He has always had a reason. Me. Or the depression or the weather. There have always been reasons and he's always going to better if, insert X. Don't get me wrong he's not the dirty stinky homeless drunken bum you see on the corner with a sign. He has a job that he goes to and does fine at. He's never been able to finish college or make an ambitious  goal and reach it. He is held down by fear. He's always afraid of what could happen. He cannot dream and be inspired for there are too many unknowns. Perhaps that too is Me. He pretty regularly convinces me if I could just be someone other than I am he too could be someone other than he is. But that just leaves us with two people who are not. I believed him for a long time, cause I wanted us to be those two people. I wanted be that person. I wanted to be important to someone. Loved by someone not for anything but me. But in order to be loved by him, I have to not be me. I am tired of not being me. I thought he would not drink and make better decisions if we were good and getting along. All along i've thought if I could just stop being a bitch long enough he would be that person. You see I am a bitch plain and simple. Controlling and demanding and never ever happy with anything. Nothing anyone does is good enough and I am just not a very likable person. People don't like to be around me. I am stuffy and too grown up and not very fun to be around. I'm also fat. I expect too much from people.  

So if I could just stop being all of that long enough he would love me.  He would tell me the truth. He would make good decisions. Things seemed good the past few months. Longer than they have ever been in marriage at least. But I wonder, no I know i'm just pretending. Because pretending is so much easier than the truth. I hate the fighting. I hate how tired and sad I feel when I am honest with myself about my marriage. It takes so much time and energy to be distant from someone that lives in a house with you. That shares the same space. It takes alot of energy to be mad all time. It's considerably easier to just smile and pretend. To just say whatever. It doesn't matter. But it does matter. It matters because I matter.  

I think he felt trapped. That is how it all started. Now I think he feels trapped again.