This for That

What makes me smile, Darren is just an overgrown boy willing to scale anything he can wrap his legs around. But what a fun picture.

Zoo

What an amazing day. It was bright blue and sunny, full of happy candy hunting children.

My little tiger.

Truth

If I were in the 9th grade i'd start this with

Dear Dairy,

I think it has been awhile since I heard the truth. Not the kind that other people tell you, but the kind you tell yourself. It is so easy to hear what you want and ignore the rest. I think however I need the truth to try to find where I am meant to be. 

I desperatly want another baby. But when I ask myself why there are many good and reasonable answers but here is a truth. There are reasons not to, that I ignore. Reasons that at this time cannot be disputed. Listen or ignore? Is want enough, it is right to do just because I want?

I like having money. I like going on vacation for four weeks a year. I like going to the spa and costco and buying kids shoes, having enough for dance and soccer and swimming lessons. I like having money to give gifts and buy friends lunches. I hate being broke and feel anxiety if I don't have any money. I have more money because we have two incomes, but if there were only one, I would not vacation. I could not buy my friends lunch and shamelessly bribe the children's teachers. I think these things about one income. Truth, I am selfish and I want. So I make concessions to have two incomes. Even more truth, I create complicated tangles that require two incomes to sustain. I am afraid of what would happen if there was no requirement of two incomes. Nothing concrete and tangible to bind.  

I think children need both a mom and dad together in a home. I don't want to be a statistic. I believe that being able to be successful in a marriage sayes something about a person. I don't want to be subject to my own silently thought judgements. I want to be better than that. Better than those. Truth, I have long ago realized that marriage is not the love and joy and butterflies that fairly tales make it. I would settle for peaceful or not lonely. What do I deceive myself about here? I want my children to be happy and well adjusted. I will gladly sacrifice for that, But lately I wonder what I have given up and what will I gain. Truer still, there is such deception in my marriage. I deceive myself because I want. 

My husband drinks. He has always had a reason. Me. Or the depression or the weather. There have always been reasons and he's always going to better if, insert X. Don't get me wrong he's not the dirty stinky homeless drunken bum you see on the corner with a sign. He has a job that he goes to and does fine at. He's never been able to finish college or make an ambitious  goal and reach it. He is held down by fear. He's always afraid of what could happen. He cannot dream and be inspired for there are too many unknowns. Perhaps that too is Me. He pretty regularly convinces me if I could just be someone other than I am he too could be someone other than he is. But that just leaves us with two people who are not. I believed him for a long time, cause I wanted us to be those two people. I wanted be that person. I wanted to be important to someone. Loved by someone not for anything but me. But in order to be loved by him, I have to not be me. I am tired of not being me. I thought he would not drink and make better decisions if we were good and getting along. All along i've thought if I could just stop being a bitch long enough he would be that person. You see I am a bitch plain and simple. Controlling and demanding and never ever happy with anything. Nothing anyone does is good enough and I am just not a very likable person. People don't like to be around me. I am stuffy and too grown up and not very fun to be around. I'm also fat. I expect too much from people.  

So if I could just stop being all of that long enough he would love me.  He would tell me the truth. He would make good decisions. Things seemed good the past few months. Longer than they have ever been in marriage at least. But I wonder, no I know i'm just pretending. Because pretending is so much easier than the truth. I hate the fighting. I hate how tired and sad I feel when I am honest with myself about my marriage. It takes so much time and energy to be distant from someone that lives in a house with you. That shares the same space. It takes alot of energy to be mad all time. It's considerably easier to just smile and pretend. To just say whatever. It doesn't matter. But it does matter. It matters because I matter.  

I think he felt trapped. That is how it all started. Now I think he feels trapped again.

Changes

I don't think 30 is old. I am not thirty but in 4 short years I will be. My husband is 30, well 33 so he is a third of his way into his thirties. It's nice to watch him age so that I know where it's all headed. He told me the other day that he didn't like it when I pointed out all the things that were changing. Though he denies any changes have taken place.

He has a comb over. Not in the traditional sense but he combs his hair over a bald spot on his forehead. I don't mind that he has a balding area, but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck then it's a duck. What's weird is he is loosing hair in essential places, like his head and getting it in non-essential places like his ear lobes and the sides of his hands. Cruel world we live in. I've also noticed that it's thicker on his chest and bottom. I guess it will keep him warm in the winter. I wonder if he'll shed it this summer. Gross. Would it be weird to collect the hair and make him a sweater of his own hair? I think it would be the ultimate in environmentally friendly. I'll need someone to make yarn and knit it for me, so if it ever gets made I'll totally post a pic.

We were at his mom and dads this weekend. Dennis his dad who is supposedly in atrial fib and miserable points out that I haven't changed a bit in the last 10 years. Nicest thing he ever said to me. Poor guy feels like he's gonna die, and pulls out all the stops to be kind. 

Snicker, snicker, chortle, except her ass...just a little wider. Well I sure hope the cardioversion goes well. Nothin' like electricity to heart. 

I hope I age like my mother, I just hope I don't end up looking like her. I think it's true, youth is wasted on the young.

Sunshine

I have lived in this wet grey duck weather nearly my entire life. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I was born in Virginia(I do have great teeth and not a cavity for at least a decade). I also lived in Texas for a stint that I don't remember. I was four when we moved here and remember sitting on the counter while my mom put contact paper on all the cabinet shelves. The bathrooms too. Those were good times.
The point is I am no stranger to grey but this year I feel like it is kicking my ass. I Just want to sleep, be lazy and eat an ass load of sugary high carb foods while lying in bed. NOT A GOOD IDEA. Never has it been so bad. I got cancelled last night from work and I had to work real hard at motivating myself to lumber out of bed. I am thinking of getting pregnant in a few months and should lower my resting heart rate to less than 140 as to not kill myself. So with that in mind I packed my gym bag, dropped the kid off at school and off I went. I did first go to Dutch Brother's who I love for my morning coffee. So armed with a caffeine buzz I strut my stuff into the gym and decide I am going to do a class. A step class. Not having ever done a step class but having watched many jam to a jazzercize like routine I think, I can do that.
I get my little step, just one as to not look like an over achiever and intimidate my classmates with my tight firm ass I set up my spot. Not a moment later and old woman informs me in a snippy voice that I am in HER SPOT. I smile and move. Then after the class starts and I am moderately unhappy with my decision to take this damn class she tells me I have to move my water bottle. Whatever wrinkled old lady show off. I moved my bottle as I lacked the breath to argue with her. I was able to keep up with these wicked crazy moves as long as I did not try to move my arms. My brain, not so keen on all this movement at once, i did get a little nauseated by all the turns and back flips and double lutzs. Who here thinks it is a good idea to hop and turn and jump on a step all at the same time. GOOD me neither. I did not actually fall, but there was some tripping. No actual collisions with other steppers, but a few close calls.
I hate the pregnant lady with two steps and two risers in front of me. IF she shows where I work I will show her who's the boss by "accidentally" delaying her epidural until she crys and whimpers and somehow atones for her grossly fit self.
I don't know how I feel about today. Perhaps the sunshine and exercise is good, or bad depending on how you look at it. I vote for now...bad. My ass hurts and sitting causes some mild discomfort.

Insano Baby

That face. That sweet face. What ever in the world would it have to do with a photo of her LEAPING through the air like a mad crazy baby you wonder?

It is unfortunate that as of now my couch sits in my kitchen. A result of the unpleasant mess in my living room. I do hope it once again becomes whole. My dear sweet Katie, yes the crazy baby that leaps from the bar stools into thin air hoping to land on the couch. A few times she bounced right off onto the floor. 

These repeated bonks to the head may explain her behavior tonight at Zupan's. Poor poor meat case man, he had no idea what a zealot my sweet baby has become. 

Katie does not eat meat. No big deal. She never has and as she grows and learns she's picked up a few opinions (disclaimer I would just like all to know now, it is not from me). We eat meat. I like meat. Love chicken and fish and beef and pork. Darren eats meat. Meat is not a bad word in our house.  I do not wash with soap after I eat it. I do wash with soap, nearly every day but not just because I ate meat, though it does work out to sometimes be just after I have eaten meat. 

ANYWAYS...we go to Zupan's after a fun (aka tiring as hell for me) day of dance, watching a crazy and totally inappropriate race downtown, a swim meet and a movie. I wanted a quick and easy dinner for them. As we roll past the meat case Katie tells meat case man loudly,

"I DON'T EAT MEAT."

 "oh, what about fish?"

 "NO. NO. They are my friends I DO NOT eat my friends. That is disgusting. Chickens are beautiful and my friends and I DO NOT EAT MY FRIENDS!!"

Immediately I try to hush her by placing her my hands over her mouth, everyone is STARING as she is really really loud.  He, meat case man, is looking at me much like all the other people in the store are, like I am the CRAZY one. Jeez, I wasn't shouting about eating MY friends. 

She wasn't done. 

"YOU shouldn't eat my friends. YOU ARE Disgusting. Yuck."

Though he was protected by a glass case full of her dead and hacked up friends he backed up. I told her not to shout and lets go look for ice cream. I was frantically pushing her from behind. Damn mini carts for kids to push themselves. No control over them with those. (KEEP AWAY I WARN YOU, NO MINI Carts). In my mind I prayed please god, no more words from this mouth, pleaseeeee.

A small smile and an I'm uhh, sorry? What does one say is said circumstance?

Beeline to check out as I so did not want to cook and they did need dinner. It would have been even worse to leave a cart full food, yeah? The ice cream ploy was a trick. She already had a cookie she would never give up. HA one point for ma!

 I think we may need a shock collar for this one. They make them for small dogs, she weighs about the same as a small dog. They're pretty safe, right? 

In the end I think they tricked me. Anna and her had secretly put lots of loot in those DAMNED mini carts and I was too befuddled to argue content. Who thinks it's a good idea to turn short people with poor judgement loose in a store with a cart of there own? No quick zoom and we're off in the cart if needed. Idiots.

   

Shame

There is no other word.