This is called being DUPED

So. I have entertained the idea of having a baby for the last 48 hours, fairly seriously considered actually. Lulled by that post vacation glow, sun, sand, no kids, lots of booze and yes sex. In part because I do want another little critter in a lot of ways.
It's been nice getting along. I think I fool myself about my marriage. I want so much for it to be great. To be happy and getting along and working together for common goals. I would say every once in a while it seems to happen. But as soon as that warm feeling of love and contentment sets in, it must create some sort of sent, as my husband turns into well, a GIANT COCK SUCKER.
So this is me being duped.
It amazes me how good at it he is . He seems to know just the perfect way to give me hope, to make me smile and think wow, were here. It think in the end it's the worst kind of mean. He knows just the right moment do or say somthing that is so hurtful. When you least expect it. He tricks me over and over and then BAM. I guess I am partly responsible in that I fall for it. I want so much to be one of THOSE couples, to have one of THOSE marriages.

The idea of a baby that was planned. The idea of being in space that it would seem like a good idea. The idea off trying. Wow. The idea of crying when you find out that your pregnant because your happy. So totally foreign to me.

One of these days I'm sure I'll learn. But for now it's back to the brick and mortar of wall building.

This is called shi**ing my pants

So I have three kids. It's a good number. But in truth I have always been fond of even numbers. I know that's not a reason to have another baby, but it does cross my mind from time to time. So the last few weeks I have been feeling very thankful for what cool and amazing kids I have. How cool it is to get to know someone that you made, grew. It's like, you are the most awesome awe inspiring being ever and I am over the moon for you. I am so gay I cant handle it. To think that somewhere, maybe there is another one just waiting for the introduction, the chance. So anyways I blame these feelings on my ovaries and some sort of primal drive to procreate and do my best to just ignore them as the reasons to not have another baby are numerous and plentiful and the reasons too are well bizarre, even numbers? For pete's sakes get a hold of yourself.

Today we had a family gathering to celebrate the January birthdays. I was not super thrilled about a family gathering as I had resolved to hate my sister in law forever and the energy it was going to take to be nasty to her all afternoon was going to make me tired and quite possibly unpleasant at work. Not fair to my coworkers, right? The afternoon so far was fine, I was aloof, distant and happily eating yummy all butter food when my husband walked into the living room holding the new baby, traitor he always sells me out. The normal jesting of brothers spawned the question of when is he going to have another baby...and here is where her dropped the bomb and I shi* my pants. Coming out of the mouth of a man who had previously stated that he would rather be a eunuch than have another baby, would prefer to do his own vasectomy than have another baby was not quite sure. yup, still gay.Now to most this would not be a big deal. I have from time to time joked about the prospect and have been greeted with a hell no. He says it in a silly way but he means hell no. So the fact that he said he wasn't sure and the fact that he wasn't kidding is terrifying.
So I wonder is there a baby in our future? I am SSSOOOO lesbian. I have spent most of my life trying like crazy to not get pregnant, the idea of doing it on purpose makes my heart race.

Being a Virgin

It's been, well a long time since I was a virgin. I don't know if that is a good thing or not, but hey that's just the way it goes. But tonight it donned on me, that I am a virgin again. Well not in the way people think of virginity but virgin none the least. Now once I hit post I will again have lost my virginity. At least as a blogger. I hope those that are lost and stumble will take pity on my newness as a blogger and be gentle. So here goes, at least this is cleaner....nothing sticky going here, except for the chocolate valentines hearts that have been left out to warm and melt.