Hope, Optimism and Niagra Falls

I think Niagra falls is beautiful, amazing and terrifing. So powerful and luring. You can gaze and wonder, but only get to close before you are swept over. Once your pulled by the current no amount of struggle can free you from the inevitible, you will be moved forward.

Love and optimism seem to be the same. You can swim around, even up to that line, but once your in, your in. I like to say with gaurded optimism I look forward. That I have hesitation and reservation about loving my husband.

28 days.

I'm smiling. Really smiling.

If you'd told me that in 28 days I would:

Be certain I can live my life as a single mom...Have amazing things happen that are also reffered to as miracles...Allow my friends to take away tiny bits of fear,hurt and sadness untill I was left with very little...Take Beck to baby school all on my own...Be taking Anna to meetings and making it a prioriety for me to go too...Think my mom is one of the smartest women in the world...Be blown away by the people who have fallen into my life and given me so much kindness and wisdom...Be feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a list of things that is too long to make...Think, with gaurded optimism, that there may be a life with my husband...Feel sorry for my inlaws...understand how hard it is to change...have a daughter who is compelled to carry around a coin with the serenity prayer on it...cuddle my little girl who has dreams that her daddy comes home to snuggle in the middle of the night and it sad to wake up to just me...understand that my happiness is MINE and so is my misery...gain so much peace and freedom by just letting go...learn so much about myself and feel really ok with it...be excited about what the future holds, despite the uncertainty...learn so much about forgiveness and love...become certain about the power of faith...cry for hours and wonder and worry...feel peaceful...be so loved and supported by SO many people is such quite but powerful ways...

I would have thought not in a million years...

Sometimes being wrong means being so right.

A crabby death...

I have been pretty firm about not letting the kids bring anything alive to our home to live. I feel like I am having a hard enough time keeping the things already under my roof alive without adding to the mix. Well I caved and we welcomed four pinchy hard shell hermit crabs into our home.

Anna has done a wonderful job carring for them but of course the morning she left for camp one was popped out of it's shell looking quite, DEAD. After a day I was certain, not only by the lack of movement but the smell. Dead sealife smells like dead sealife. Gross. I decided to wait untill she came home for her trip to burry it, in part I didn't want to touch it.

She screamed and cried but finally decided a funeral was inorder, so I dug a hole and her friends and I gathered around it's final resting place to say good bye. We all pinched her in honnor of pinchy.

The next morning I got to return pinchy to the new final resting place as olaf brought him back into the house.

Happy Anniversary

So today was year 12.
Married for 12 years.
I remember our premarital counseling, sitting there thinking, ignoring, we'll never have those problems. I adored him so much, I couldn't imagine what we would ever fight about.
Wow.
I think part of what has been so hard is that we've had to grow up together. We got married so young. It's inevitable. We've had lots of wonderful kids, but they are alot of work. We've been real busy living life an not taking much time to take care of us.

It makes me so sad the way things are now.

Spring Fun with great friends.

Sticks and Stones.

Wow.

It's been a funny thing, these past three weeks.

It feels like time is moving so slowly. The days drag on, the nights drag on. It's like a reverse time warp.



I like to blog. It helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings. It helps me understand things better. It makes me feel less alone. I know I am not the only person experiencing the things in my life and perhaps someone who also has experienced these things will have good insight. Or maybe someone else won't feel quite so alone.



I have never given as much thoughts to the comments people have posted until the last post. I do believe as much as I have the right to blog about whatever suits me, people have the right to their opinions too. So post away your comments but bare in mind a few things.



I do not live by the judgement of others. I know this is a frustrating thing. I will not be governed by other peoples expectations. I will not chose my action based on how that will influence what you think of me. I desire the approval of very few. That is maddening to some. If you do not like me that is ok. If you don't want to believe me that is fine too.
I know the truths in my life, I live them.
I believe in civility but not pretending to like someone I don't. I do not have to like everyone. I do not have to care what your opinion of me is. I actually feel like it's none of my business what you think of me.
I will not do things I regret, I don't believe in regret. Life is too short to waste. I rarely do things I am ashamed of or could be humiliated by.

I have deep reverence for the opinions and feelings of those who are close and meaningful to me and I will always try to listen and respect those. For those who are strangers that want to share their experience or insights to my situations thank you. You never know what wisdom or words will resonate.

If you simply want to attack me, judge me, please be bold enough to stand behind your words, your insights into my life and be who you are. Why must you hide? I am merely one woman who has no impact on your life why would you fear me?

It's because you simply don't know. Those who do know our life, those who could be justified in calling me names, laying out my poor behavior for my inspection would do so directly. And it would be meaningful.

I suspect you form you opinions from irregular isolated contact that has little to do with our family. Project your own experiences and desire to have a say in the outcome of someone else's life from a distance behind a wall.

Very cowardly.

As was it to ambush me at my home, drunk, in front of my kids. To make comments you cannot stand behind.



Time will tell.
The Truth is unstoppable.

I want sunshine and vacation.

I want smiles and movies.

I want to sit on the couch and laugh.

I want to snuggle and feel safe.

I want to retire someday with a shit ton of money.

I want to trust.

I want to laugh.

I want to not wonder all the time.

I want to not work!

I want to be appreciated.

I want to be loved and adored.

I want respect.

I want courage.

I want the opportunity.