Happy Anniversary

So today was year 12.
Married for 12 years.
I remember our premarital counseling, sitting there thinking, ignoring, we'll never have those problems. I adored him so much, I couldn't imagine what we would ever fight about.
Wow.
I think part of what has been so hard is that we've had to grow up together. We got married so young. It's inevitable. We've had lots of wonderful kids, but they are alot of work. We've been real busy living life an not taking much time to take care of us.

It makes me so sad the way things are now.

Spring Fun with great friends.

Sticks and Stones.

Wow.

It's been a funny thing, these past three weeks.

It feels like time is moving so slowly. The days drag on, the nights drag on. It's like a reverse time warp.



I like to blog. It helps me clarify my thoughts and feelings. It helps me understand things better. It makes me feel less alone. I know I am not the only person experiencing the things in my life and perhaps someone who also has experienced these things will have good insight. Or maybe someone else won't feel quite so alone.



I have never given as much thoughts to the comments people have posted until the last post. I do believe as much as I have the right to blog about whatever suits me, people have the right to their opinions too. So post away your comments but bare in mind a few things.



I do not live by the judgement of others. I know this is a frustrating thing. I will not be governed by other peoples expectations. I will not chose my action based on how that will influence what you think of me. I desire the approval of very few. That is maddening to some. If you do not like me that is ok. If you don't want to believe me that is fine too.
I know the truths in my life, I live them.
I believe in civility but not pretending to like someone I don't. I do not have to like everyone. I do not have to care what your opinion of me is. I actually feel like it's none of my business what you think of me.
I will not do things I regret, I don't believe in regret. Life is too short to waste. I rarely do things I am ashamed of or could be humiliated by.

I have deep reverence for the opinions and feelings of those who are close and meaningful to me and I will always try to listen and respect those. For those who are strangers that want to share their experience or insights to my situations thank you. You never know what wisdom or words will resonate.

If you simply want to attack me, judge me, please be bold enough to stand behind your words, your insights into my life and be who you are. Why must you hide? I am merely one woman who has no impact on your life why would you fear me?

It's because you simply don't know. Those who do know our life, those who could be justified in calling me names, laying out my poor behavior for my inspection would do so directly. And it would be meaningful.

I suspect you form you opinions from irregular isolated contact that has little to do with our family. Project your own experiences and desire to have a say in the outcome of someone else's life from a distance behind a wall.

Very cowardly.

As was it to ambush me at my home, drunk, in front of my kids. To make comments you cannot stand behind.



Time will tell.
The Truth is unstoppable.

I want sunshine and vacation.

I want smiles and movies.

I want to sit on the couch and laugh.

I want to snuggle and feel safe.

I want to retire someday with a shit ton of money.

I want to trust.

I want to laugh.

I want to not wonder all the time.

I want to not work!

I want to be appreciated.

I want to be loved and adored.

I want respect.

I want courage.

I want the opportunity.

What next?

One of D's friends showed up uninvited, unannounced to our house tonight. We happened to be coming home, there was a band concert and I wanted to make a nice dinner. The experience was overall quite unpleasant.

Just a short list of the things his drunk friend had to tell me.

That I am a controlling bitch. That everyone, all of Darren's friends, know this. That I don't care about his happiness. That he is a wonderful father and I poison his children against him. That I am stupid and fat. Something like a donut, or donut hole. I'm not sure. That he wants to leave me but I won't let him. That he doesn't leave because he doesn't want to leave his kids. That Darren doesn't love me. That he, being Steve, doesn't cheat on his wife because he loves her, and that D cheats on me because he doesn't love me. That I am a terrible person who is ruining Darren. He also cried because he loves Darren so much. That someone had to stand up to me because he didn't. That someone had to come tell me what a terrible bitch I am. That I changed Darren's number so no one could call him. That I won't let people see him or talk to him. That he's always thought I was a stupid controlling bitch.

At one point I had to tell him to get out of my face, that he stunk, and that he was drunk and disgusting.

I asked him to leave. That he was not welcome.

I cannot believe that he came to our home, where our children are to do this?

What next? What else is going to happen?

Is there NO ending to this?

What have I gotten myself into?