Sleepless

I have always fancied myself a champion sleeper.

Cat nap after babies, in the car. Loud banging, lawn mowing, shrieks of the kids. No problem. Olympic quality sleeper.

It blows my mind that this is what shatters that illusion.

I can't turn it off and it's torture. All day, all night, in my dreams.

Dreaming about my husband cheating on me with my best friends. Neighbors..everyone.

It really doesn't matter who it is it all smarts the same.

I am dying for just a break. Some silence. To not wonder. Is what I imagine worse or better?

I feel so desperately the need to have a answer. A plan. A solution. It's just not there. It's not that easy. There is no straight forward. Where do we begin?

We have spent our whole adult lives together. There is no one who knows me as well as he does. There is no one I have loved they way I have loved him. There is so much past and future everywhere I look and cannot begin to imagine it all as separate.

I don't remember out last kiss. I didn't even consider this could be it. The last time I fell asleep snuggled in his arms, content. Who logs those things, who thinks, tonite it's it. The last one.

It's an awfully big hole.

I go from broken hearted, sad beyond words to pissed off in the course of 15 minuets. What a crappy roller coaster ride. I wish it would stop. I would very much like to get off. I think from now on I'll ride those little trains that slowly tour the park. No fast starts, abrupt stops, huge falls.

A day to remember

My husband has decided to not come home again tonite. It shouldn't come as a surprise on the heals of what has been happening the last 24 hours. I discovered that he's been cheating on me with a girl from work, who happens to have herpes. Awesome. He also swears that he didn't sleep with her but I feel like it doesn't matter much. I shouldn't care, but I do wonder if he's with her now. Even if he is what difference would it really make?

He said he didn't want to move out, that he wanted to go to our counseling appointment on Thursday to see what we could do. It's been a hard day. I am so surprised by how much all this hurts. It's alot to lose in one fail swoop. I know alot of this has been coming but stopping to look at what's going to change makes it all very real.

We talked like 6 times a day. For good reasons for bad reasons. That's alot of talk to no longer talk. I didn't realize how much we talked until I saw something and thought oh darren...then OH darren.

Laying in bed makes me want to cry. I was cuddling Beck to sleep and thought about all that has happened in that bed. We laughed and fought there. We brought babies home from the hospital and nursed them there. We made vacation plans, dreamed, slept, planned our futures there. We made babies there. I climbed into his arms there when the days were bas, he'd hold me and kiss me on the top of my forehead and that somehow would make it better.
Losing that hurts. It's been such a surprising slide down and I wish we could have stopped it. Changed it.

This sucks. It's a blinding pain that rips through you. It tugs and pulls. Makes it hard to breath. Losing all of this. It really hurts to be betrayed. To be cheated on. It makes it feel like married didn't mean anything. It's not been easy but I believed it was always worth while. There are so many tears. I wonder where they all come from. It hurts so much.

I feel stupid for trying to hang on this past year, for continuing to believe and want this. How did I get so duped. Oh hard and fast I held onto this idea that we could do this. We could make it out to the other side and we would both be better. The kids would be better.
I thought alot these past weeks, all the while he messing around. Texting messages about kissing and fantasies while the children sleep in our bed next to him.
I thought and tried and reflected and HOPED. It's the hope that hurts right now. All of the hope and openness and effort. Being open and vulnerable only to be betrayed. Man alive that hurts wicked bad. I mean really. I am so scared of what the future holds. I don't, truth be told want to go there. I want to go back. Two years. Four years. Fourteen years to when we met. To when it was so easy to just love. No expectation. No disappointments. But I know there is nothing in the past.
There is only tomorrow. Softball game. Work. Tears, heartache.

M #5-6-7. To infinity and beyond...

I hope not really. I don't want to feel like my life is a series of miserable experiances. Numbering into the thousands by the time I die. I want to feel like, wow my life is awesome.

I have realized that there are some things, once learned can't be forgotton or ignored.

Maybe it's best to just not know.