Thing's I'd say on Facebook if I wasn't friends with my kids....

Softball Sucks...

You're a card carrying member of the Bro's Before Hoe's club and I wish you'd go live in the clubhouse.

Having to work sucks and I'd love to just say later bitches and lave my life for somewhere sunny.

Drinking is fun and it sucks that you got bad genetics.

Waiting...

And waiting and waiting and waiting. I feel like i've been waiting and waiting.

What am I waiting for?

Nice. I feel like I'm waiting for nice.
Smiling. I miss having the person in my life smile when they see me. That little twinkle, the twinge in the heart.

Adoration. Someone to buy me shiny pretty diamonds or at least want to.
A little tiny bit of appreciation.
Gratitude. Gratitude and appreciation bind, it's the cement.
Comfort and security and faithfulness.
For things to not be so hard!

It sounds so sad and pathetic. This unhappiness, this waiting.

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a while back. It seemed so fake to me.

I was soo excited to get married. And so pie eyed and optimistic. I so remember sitting at marriage counseling thinking in an annoyed fashion...none of this applies. I love him so much none of this will ever happen. I will love him like this forever. EVER.

I was wrong.

I had no idea the things that would happen between here and there.
I had no idea of how much I'd grow and change.
I had no idea of how far a person can be pushed.
I had no idea of how long i'd wait.

For Roms. You are persistent!

Lasic...

My friend were over visiting and we were talking in the kitchen about how their dad had offered to pay for lasic eye surgery and did they want to have it done? For her she said it was a matter of vanity, to not have to wear glasses anymore. Is it worth the risk of her vision?

I know Darren had terrible eye sight and it was in his opinion the best possible thing he could ever do. He couldn't see without his glasses on, at all. (I wonder what a shocker it was climbing in bed that first night, being able to see...haha) In my mind I totally look like a supermodel.

I know random. But I guess I'm just feeling silly today. It's been forever since I've has time to just blog. Well there is still laundry to do and dishes but if It think about it too much I may go insane. House work NEVER ends. It should be death, taxes and house work. A coworker calls housework her whore chores. I love it. I may borrow that phrase.

D was around this weekend. We did really exciting things like watching movies and trimming bushes and cleaning. I loved it. It's so interesting this practicing life again. One thing I do like about it, is if it gets really screwed up, since it's practice we can just start over again tomorrow. It makes things much more forgiving.


I am dying for the floor in Becks room to be done so I can put the house back together. I want to clean shit out. Lots and lots of stuff be gone...something cathartic about purging the old.

Hope, Optimism and Niagra Falls

I think Niagra falls is beautiful, amazing and terrifing. So powerful and luring. You can gaze and wonder, but only get to close before you are swept over. Once your pulled by the current no amount of struggle can free you from the inevitible, you will be moved forward.

Love and optimism seem to be the same. You can swim around, even up to that line, but once your in, your in. I like to say with gaurded optimism I look forward. That I have hesitation and reservation about loving my husband.

28 days.

I'm smiling. Really smiling.

If you'd told me that in 28 days I would:

Be certain I can live my life as a single mom...Have amazing things happen that are also reffered to as miracles...Allow my friends to take away tiny bits of fear,hurt and sadness untill I was left with very little...Take Beck to baby school all on my own...Be taking Anna to meetings and making it a prioriety for me to go too...Think my mom is one of the smartest women in the world...Be blown away by the people who have fallen into my life and given me so much kindness and wisdom...Be feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a list of things that is too long to make...Think, with gaurded optimism, that there may be a life with my husband...Feel sorry for my inlaws...understand how hard it is to change...have a daughter who is compelled to carry around a coin with the serenity prayer on it...cuddle my little girl who has dreams that her daddy comes home to snuggle in the middle of the night and it sad to wake up to just me...understand that my happiness is MINE and so is my misery...gain so much peace and freedom by just letting go...learn so much about myself and feel really ok with it...be excited about what the future holds, despite the uncertainty...learn so much about forgiveness and love...become certain about the power of faith...cry for hours and wonder and worry...feel peaceful...be so loved and supported by SO many people is such quite but powerful ways...

I would have thought not in a million years...

Sometimes being wrong means being so right.

A crabby death...

I have been pretty firm about not letting the kids bring anything alive to our home to live. I feel like I am having a hard enough time keeping the things already under my roof alive without adding to the mix. Well I caved and we welcomed four pinchy hard shell hermit crabs into our home.

Anna has done a wonderful job carring for them but of course the morning she left for camp one was popped out of it's shell looking quite, DEAD. After a day I was certain, not only by the lack of movement but the smell. Dead sealife smells like dead sealife. Gross. I decided to wait untill she came home for her trip to burry it, in part I didn't want to touch it.

She screamed and cried but finally decided a funeral was inorder, so I dug a hole and her friends and I gathered around it's final resting place to say good bye. We all pinched her in honnor of pinchy.

The next morning I got to return pinchy to the new final resting place as olaf brought him back into the house.