Lost and Found

I know I've been missing, for a while. Part of the struggle has been finding focus and organization to blog again! I feel like my mind wander and strays every time I sit down. Becks asleep, a lovely afternoon nap. He had a wild night, generated loads of laundry and wore his parents out. Sweet little guy barfed all over Katie's bed, I must admit I slept while D cleaned it up. Don't worry I paid for that act of lousy mommying. He came to cuddle with me, propped up on pillows tangling my hair till I dozed off. Katie was a noisy barfer. Lots of gagging first. This gave us lots of time to either get away or get a bowl. I discovered Beck is a silent barfer. When he barfed on the back of my head, filling my ear with nasty warm puke...I did not sleep through this round of puking. Poor guy. When I was cleaning the house this afternoon I felt oddly content. I was also amazed at how much laundry one person could generate. I felt like I was doing what I was meant to do. Washing barfy laundry. Taking care of my kids, my house. It has been a rough four years. When I think about the time it sorta blows me away. How long we've been doing this. How long it's taken to feel found. Or at least not lost. The kids have been missing their grandad and i went through and made picture to frame for the kids of their grandad, and it was the first time in a while I could stand to look in the past. And it sorta made me excited for the future. There is still alot that is unclear to me and I am ok with knowing that I don't know how it's all going to turn out. I just feel good knowing I am simply where I am supposed to be.

Tonight...

Tonight I could blog about: Working 5 on 2 off, 5 on. Being tired, being sleepy. The awfully DAMN loud ringing in my ears! But instead I shall blog about tonight. Darren got 4 tickets to the band Fun. And decided to take me, Katie and Anna. Which was friggen AWESOME! I want to just gush. I want to gush about how cool I think my kids are. About what it's like to worry in a concert about weather your kid can see, if they are safe, are they having fun? To see the tired smiles at the end. The complaints of sore feet and thirsty mouths. The joy that music fills you with and how it just radiates out after...I love staying up late with them. I loved liking the same thing they did. For realsies. There was this dude who jumped up on the stage and smiled big and managed to evade the security dude. And they loved it. Both of them retold it to me!! In great detail. Something about their happy chatter and discussion about their favorite songs made me feel so connected to them. I was a cool mom without even trying. So not only was this band so super adorable and cool to watch, a great a show but my dates we're the bestest ever!

A fat white girls adventure in tanning

So last year I resolved to be quite.
I will let my friends weigh in on how successful I was with THAT resolution.

But this year I decided to take myself less seriously.
And as I spend a fair amount of time laughing at other people I figured I should start the year off by taking myself less seriously by allowing other people to laugh at me.
Hence the title and the fact that I am not keeping this little gem to myself. As it really should be my little secret.

Last year I went to Hawaii in December and got a nice tan and when I got home I thought I should tan once a week to keep that nice glow. As I much prefer tan Heather to white ass Heather. And perhaps I am a little vain, who knew? I never did though.
So when I went to Hawaii this past month and came home in need of a new drivers license I decided why yes I am going to tan a little to keep this nice brown glow...and have a decent DMV photo for once.
So after a bit of shopping around I decided on a modest 10 pack of tans at Tan Republic, I would go once a week till spring and then I could resume my worshiping of the real sun in April in Texas, maybe even at the only nude beach I "accidentally" discovered last time. It would make yoga nicer for the others.
So I pony up my bones on the cheapest package possible, who know there are Diamond Beds that are like $25 a tan!!!! I did not get the Diamond or ever gold bronze or silver. It's the basic but I am ok with that. Did you know there is a tanning tax? WTF?
I figured I am already a slight shade of golden brown and I'm looking for maintenance not color so who needs fancy high pressure beds.
So I walk my happy self to the bed looking forward to 20 mins of nice bright sun like light and being warm. FOR 20 MINS. Hmmm maybe that was not a super awesome choice. For this of you who have tanned....maybe you do so in your birthday suit. Or at least that's what I though being a non-experienced tanner. And though we were in Hawaii and I laid down a good foundation I wore a swimsuit while doing it. Yeah momma doesn't think anyone needs to be subject me in a bikini. So when I tanned I exposed all my parts directly to the light. And did you know when you tan it takes HOURS for the effects to come to life. So as I laid there feeling a little warm and prickly I was really being cooked to a bright RED CRISP!!! Oh how the color deepens with time. And oddly enough the scarlet red areas illuminate a lot of things I didn't know. Like you need to turn on your sides as they are still bright white. And you need to lift up your arms. And when you lay on your back things settle and separate. NOT flattering. At all. To have these facts be brought to light...hehe light. It's also very illuminating the parts that touch one another and no light was shed there. On the upside those parts aren't red and burned and prickly. Did you know stretch marks burn even worse than regular white skin? Wow. True statement.

Can't wait for next time...

Merry Christmas 2011

Have had some serious bloggers block the last year and it's killing me. Not a single blog I start am I able to start and sit through. I think it may be mirroring whats going on in my mind. So I am gonna start easy.

Jean, in the picture with Katie came to town (she lives in England), as Dennis (Darren's dad) had a heart valve replaced and it's taken longer than expected to wake up much less get better. I guess she was worried so she came for a quick visit. She's super funny and the kids really like her. So we all met and went out to lunch while she was here in town. And As you can see Katie loved it.

We always do the same things every year as a family around Christmas. We go to zoo lights and downtown to see Santa and go out to dinner. And these things really matter to me, I think they really matter to the kids as they are...tradition.
Darren bailed on these and that was really hard. But we still had so much fun. Beck was nuts for the lights. I mean nuts complete with shrieking and laughing and pointing. And a fair amount of refusing to walk. Anna and her class sang at the zoo and it was lovely and just made me feel proud. I am proud of her. And I know I am the lucky one. I get to be there and I have no fear that I will miss out on these details of their life. I just need to get over the work I have to do to that. I am trying so hard to accept that I will have to do this on my own, something I never wanted to do. Just like cutting down a gigantic christmas tree. BY MY SELF. And by my self I mean with my kids and bestie so I guess not really by myself. I will correctly rephrase without Darren. It was huge. It made my biceps burn. It was so friggen heavy and it was FULL of spiders. I hate spiders. We had to cram it into the tree stand and it shed like a million needles when I stuffed it in the front door. None the less I felt so victorious and proud of myself so thats a start right?

I also managed to take the kids to see Santa. Stand in line, coerce them into sitting in Santa's lap, out to a yummy dinner. Giggles and Joy abound. Beck shouting at Santa without making eye contact and blowing my shopping list and throwing me into a shopping frenzy! Want buttons with truck, and by this he meant a truck with buttons to make noise and generally annoy me. So friggen adorable. I will never trade these moments for anything. Ever. I finally understand what daily bread means. That life, on an everyday basis is hard and lots and lots of work. And no single event is all easy or good of funny or without complications or trouble. But they also are not without love and laughter and hope and future and chance and joy. Daily bread is that. You cannot choose just one side of the equation. The work is the nourishment. And I right now am super nourished.

Christmas this year was hard and different and filled with uncertainty. But it was also filled with on the fly parties with the best friends ever, they save me sometimes in what feels like just the last moments, fun adventures, shopping, gifts joy and so much love. It even, most shocking of all, included an afternoon with all the cousins on Darren's side of the family. And that afternoon, was great. I was so uncomfortable and so forcing myself to do that. I had the hardest time trying to figure out what the best way to do christmas was. But as everyone who knows me knew I can never refuse the kids and Katie really wanted her dad here so he came. And it was nice. A little awkward but nice.

It's weird not knowing how to be around someone your married to. To be so uncertain of how to act and feel towards someone you love and want to be with but don't know how. To not know anymore. To wonder so completely about the past we shared and what was true and lies. To be so shocked and hurt. To feel so unsure, sad, scared. This is where I get confused.

I wanted to take the kids tubbing and sorta at the last minuet we decided to go. And I was shocked by how much fun I had. How much fun the kids had!! My favorite moment was when Beck, who hated tubing, was being swung in circles and then....Darren let go and down hill baby Beck flew, up over and embankment and over the side disappearing along the side of the building. Thank god it was only about 4 feet down and Beck was well wedged in the tube, shocked and big eyed, but ok. It felt so nice to just have some fun.

Feel the burn...

That could mean so many thing in my life right now.
But mostly it means I've got my mac back!!!

It's not quite the same burn I'm used too. My other Mac got real real warm uncomfortably warm. But what i'm most excited about is getting to sit and hang out and blog.

Then there's the hot yoga. What a stupid idea. Stupid stupid.
I bought a groupon for 20 hot yoga classes. I hadn't really given much thought to the kind of class it would be.

So when it was time to go of course I suckered my dear and darling friend teresa to come with me. I had no lofty goals or expectations, I thought if I can just manage to stay in the room for the class I will call that a victory.

Oh my. I had no idea!!

excuse me?

I am struggling to start this as I am floored and completely confused.

It has been a crazy and wild year. It's been by far the hardest.

Last new years and by new years I mean chinese new years (so that makes it February for all you white folks) my mom said she paid to have prayers for me. I said I was excited for the New year as I hoped I could just move on from the past year and never look back. Last year was not a year that I wanted to look back on and remember. My mom laughed a little and said OOh Heather, you have no idea it will be worse this year.

As I normally do I laughed and igonored her. I thought to myself really how could it be worse? What more could more miserable than this last year?

Well I found out and let me just say it sucks.
it sucks ass and I want to crawl in a hole and dissapear.

Family Belongings

Spent the night looking at houses in Langley Canada. And the immigration process. And jobs.

We went to Jeff and Queenie's wedding and had the most wonderful time. It was long and loud and in a language I don't really understand. There were people smiling at us the whole day, gently nodding their heads yes whenever we spoke. It all seemed so positive.
It even included a Chinese grandma speaking harshly, expectation and shame. The dinner was filled with lots or food that I did not recognize or want to eat but it was still so familiar.
I spent a good part of the day wondering what the feeling in my heart was.
It was big and warm and it made me smile.
It was quiet and simple and safe.
It was old and full of childhood memories that are so very dear and sweet and fun. It was family history and acceptance and joy.
It was time and love and belonging.

It's the kind of belonging that only happens...sometimes. And under the right circumstances. For some wonderful reason the magic combination exists in this nothing town of Langley. It's an OLD old thing that is transported from a time and culture that I have known but never knew. I know it's always existed there for me but it must just be the time in my life that I am able to feel it and appreciate it.

I've had for a long time an idea of family. An expectation of family that has just never been. Being in a house full of cousins, uncles and aunts who have the same idea of family was so much fun. To know, no matter what I did, what messy noisy chaos the kids whipped up or how poorly behaved anyone was, they were loved.
Equally.
It was cool to watch how that standard was cultivated and monitored. How it was ingrained and managed. I'd like to be closer to it. To learn to do it. To be a part of it.
To be with my family.

Thing's I'd say on Facebook if I wasn't friends with my kids....

Softball Sucks...

You're a card carrying member of the Bro's Before Hoe's club and I wish you'd go live in the clubhouse.

Having to work sucks and I'd love to just say later bitches and lave my life for somewhere sunny.

Drinking is fun and it sucks that you got bad genetics.

Waiting...

And waiting and waiting and waiting. I feel like i've been waiting and waiting.

What am I waiting for?

Nice. I feel like I'm waiting for nice.
Smiling. I miss having the person in my life smile when they see me. That little twinkle, the twinge in the heart.

Adoration. Someone to buy me shiny pretty diamonds or at least want to.
A little tiny bit of appreciation.
Gratitude. Gratitude and appreciation bind, it's the cement.
Comfort and security and faithfulness.
For things to not be so hard!

It sounds so sad and pathetic. This unhappiness, this waiting.

I stopped wearing my wedding ring a while back. It seemed so fake to me.

I was soo excited to get married. And so pie eyed and optimistic. I so remember sitting at marriage counseling thinking in an annoyed fashion...none of this applies. I love him so much none of this will ever happen. I will love him like this forever. EVER.

I was wrong.

I had no idea the things that would happen between here and there.
I had no idea of how much I'd grow and change.
I had no idea of how far a person can be pushed.
I had no idea of how long i'd wait.

For Roms. You are persistent!

Lasic...

My friend were over visiting and we were talking in the kitchen about how their dad had offered to pay for lasic eye surgery and did they want to have it done? For her she said it was a matter of vanity, to not have to wear glasses anymore. Is it worth the risk of her vision?

I know Darren had terrible eye sight and it was in his opinion the best possible thing he could ever do. He couldn't see without his glasses on, at all. (I wonder what a shocker it was climbing in bed that first night, being able to see...haha) In my mind I totally look like a supermodel.

I know random. But I guess I'm just feeling silly today. It's been forever since I've has time to just blog. Well there is still laundry to do and dishes but if It think about it too much I may go insane. House work NEVER ends. It should be death, taxes and house work. A coworker calls housework her whore chores. I love it. I may borrow that phrase.

D was around this weekend. We did really exciting things like watching movies and trimming bushes and cleaning. I loved it. It's so interesting this practicing life again. One thing I do like about it, is if it gets really screwed up, since it's practice we can just start over again tomorrow. It makes things much more forgiving.


I am dying for the floor in Becks room to be done so I can put the house back together. I want to clean shit out. Lots and lots of stuff be gone...something cathartic about purging the old.

Hope, Optimism and Niagra Falls

I think Niagra falls is beautiful, amazing and terrifing. So powerful and luring. You can gaze and wonder, but only get to close before you are swept over. Once your pulled by the current no amount of struggle can free you from the inevitible, you will be moved forward.

Love and optimism seem to be the same. You can swim around, even up to that line, but once your in, your in. I like to say with gaurded optimism I look forward. That I have hesitation and reservation about loving my husband.

28 days.

I'm smiling. Really smiling.

If you'd told me that in 28 days I would:

Be certain I can live my life as a single mom...Have amazing things happen that are also reffered to as miracles...Allow my friends to take away tiny bits of fear,hurt and sadness untill I was left with very little...Take Beck to baby school all on my own...Be taking Anna to meetings and making it a prioriety for me to go too...Think my mom is one of the smartest women in the world...Be blown away by the people who have fallen into my life and given me so much kindness and wisdom...Be feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a list of things that is too long to make...Think, with gaurded optimism, that there may be a life with my husband...Feel sorry for my inlaws...understand how hard it is to change...have a daughter who is compelled to carry around a coin with the serenity prayer on it...cuddle my little girl who has dreams that her daddy comes home to snuggle in the middle of the night and it sad to wake up to just me...understand that my happiness is MINE and so is my misery...gain so much peace and freedom by just letting go...learn so much about myself and feel really ok with it...be excited about what the future holds, despite the uncertainty...learn so much about forgiveness and love...become certain about the power of faith...cry for hours and wonder and worry...feel peaceful...be so loved and supported by SO many people is such quite but powerful ways...

I would have thought not in a million years...

Sometimes being wrong means being so right.

A crabby death...

I have been pretty firm about not letting the kids bring anything alive to our home to live. I feel like I am having a hard enough time keeping the things already under my roof alive without adding to the mix. Well I caved and we welcomed four pinchy hard shell hermit crabs into our home.

Anna has done a wonderful job carring for them but of course the morning she left for camp one was popped out of it's shell looking quite, DEAD. After a day I was certain, not only by the lack of movement but the smell. Dead sealife smells like dead sealife. Gross. I decided to wait untill she came home for her trip to burry it, in part I didn't want to touch it.

She screamed and cried but finally decided a funeral was inorder, so I dug a hole and her friends and I gathered around it's final resting place to say good bye. We all pinched her in honnor of pinchy.

The next morning I got to return pinchy to the new final resting place as olaf brought him back into the house.

Happy Anniversary

So today was year 12.
Married for 12 years.
I remember our premarital counseling, sitting there thinking, ignoring, we'll never have those problems. I adored him so much, I couldn't imagine what we would ever fight about.
Wow.
I think part of what has been so hard is that we've had to grow up together. We got married so young. It's inevitable. We've had lots of wonderful kids, but they are alot of work. We've been real busy living life an not taking much time to take care of us.

It makes me so sad the way things are now.

Spring Fun with great friends.